


the fuckening

by minjisung



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Banter, Comedy, Fluff, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, M/M, Memes, Multi, Other, chat fic, everyone's back on their bullshit, nsfw humor, or At Least an Attempt at Humor, overused vines references, real crackhead hours
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-07-17 16:49:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16099766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minjisung/pseuds/minjisung
Summary: the daily lives of nine college boys





	1. friends are like wedgies, they get all up in your ass and for what?

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time writing a chatfic, so i'm sorry for the cringe and my lame sense of humor but this is basically just Crack with little to no plot. i hope you still enjoy it nonetheless! <3
> 
> ** this is an aged-up AU **

**—** **#satanic-circle** **—**

chan cena: like a good neighbor

minho: i never fuck around when it comes to ass to mouth

uwujin: statefarm is there

dril bot: ok so i've been thinking

seungmeanie: how rare

seungmeanie: but continue

dril bot: its gone

dril bot: my desire to share my brilliant thought is gone

chan cena: so is no one else insulted by minho interrupting the best commercial jingle????

chan cena: to talk about ass to mouth????

seungmeanie: i mean

seungmeanie: i dont know what to say aside from

seungmeanie: same hat minho hyung

minho: i see im not the only man of culture around here

minho: like a good neighbor

chan cena: idk, sounds unhygienic to me

uwujin: stAtEfArM iS tHeRe

uwujin: wow so ur really just gonna interrupt me on my birthday at my birthday party with my birthday gift on my birthday

seungmeanie: good job chan hyung

dril bot: even /i/ wouldnt do that

chan cena: wh

minho: press F to pay respects

seungmeanie: F

dril bot: F

uwujin: F

 

 

 

 **—** **private message: minho & changbin ** **—**

minho: im bored

minho: talk to me

minho: you goddamn tool

minho: answer me

minho: or i'll start telling you things you don't want to know. ever.

minho: i didnt want to do this but you leave me no choice

minho: remember that get-together we had a few months ago after exams? i saw seungmin sniff everyone's shoes. one. by. one.

minho: for what? i dont fuckin kno w

minho: he reeled back the most at yours

beanie: that's gross

beanie: but i don't blame him

beanie: i'd do too

minho: .

minho: you'd sniff shoes too???

minho: receipts

beanie: N O SKKSCDJF i mean i could only imagine how bad changbin's shoes would be

minho: so u got a scent fetish AND talking in third person now huh

beanie: o this isnt changbin he's getting yelled at by our prof and asked me to look after his phone.

minho: he

minho: he got college detention lmao

minho: fuckin loser

minho: wait so who is dis

beanie: friend

minho: from what course

beanie: from ligma

minho: ligma?

beanie: LIGMA NUTS

 

 

 

 **—** **#satanic-circle** **—**

minho: how do you leave a private chat

dril bot: if i knew how i woulda left ours a long time ago

seungmeanie: press F to pay respects

uwujin: F

chan cena: F

dril bot: i would but i never truly did respect him

seungmeanie: F INTENSIFIES

minho: you're on thin ice kiddo

chan cena: what happened

minho: ligma happened

chan cena: whats ligma

minho: LIGMA NUTS

chan cena: o

minho: ok i dont blame him anymore

minho: that felt fucking incredible

minho: its like a newfound super power

minho: i've always had but only now discovered

dril bot: and here i thought you already have enough power over this place

dril bot: you're the only one who has made every single one of us voluntarily leave and be glad we did

minho: this isnt even my final form yet

seungmeanie: i dont know if im terrified

seungmeanie: or aroused

minho: bold of you to assume you can't be both

seungmeanie: u right u right

uwujin: has anyone seen changbin

uwujin: we have practice in 5

minho: 4

seungmeanie: 3

dril bot: 2

chan cena: 1

 

 

 

 **—** **private message: woojin & changbin ** **—**

uwujin: romeo romeo

uwujin: where art thou oh romeo

uwujin: deny thy father and refuse they name

beanie: deny thy daddy*

beanie: he's in room 526

beanie: no 265

beanie: wait yes 526

beanie: actually, i'll let you decide your fate

uwujin: or if thou wilt not, thou wilt by my own hands, han jisung

beanie: 526

uwujin: thanks.

 

 

 

 **—** **#satanic-circle** **—**

seungmeanie: i have a situation for you guys

dril bot: mhm

seungmeanie: what do u do when u see someone with a wedgy

seungmeanie: and they're not doing anything abt it??

minho: fix it for them

seungmeanie: anyone else with an answer appropriate for this day's society?

chan cena: tell them

seungmeanie: o, yeah. why didnt i think of that

seungmeanie: "excuse me good sir, i couldnt help but stare at your ass and notice that its eating the fuck outta your underwear and shorts"

chan cena: im sorry for even opening my mouth

minho: reach over and fix it

dril bot: i have an idea

seungmeanie: im scared but go on

dril bot: walk in front of them and pretend you have a wedgy and…

dril bot: are you ready for this?

dril bot: ...fix it in front of them

minho: FUCKING BRILLIANT

chan cena: or you could just ignore it. its not your problem

seungmeanie: o ok so if you see someone getting bullied you'll just ignore it?? cause its not your problem???

chan cena: im sorry for even opening my mouth

 

 

 

 **—** **private message: hyunjin & jisung ** **—**

jisus: is it just me

jisus: or has that guy been staring us down for the past 10 minutes

hyunjorts: maybe you owe him money

hyunjorts: or fucked his wife

jisus: i think i'd remember that

jisus: DONT TURN AROUND YOU IDIOT

jisus: DONT MAKE EYE CONTACT

jisus: he's definitely pointing at you

jisus: WHAT IS HE DOING WITH HIS HANDS

hyunjorts: i think he wants to play charades?

hyunjorts: maybe he doesnt have any friends

hyunjorts: lets humor him

jisus: ok

jisus: uhhhhhh

jisus: im not sure but i think he's pointing at your ass

hyunjorts: h

jisus: now he's pretending to eat something

hyunjorts: that's a lot of teeth action

jisus: oh my god

jisus: O HMYGFIODKG

jisus: IS HE SAYING HE WANTS TO EAT YOUR ASS

hyunjorts: run

hyunjorts: fucking run

 

 

 

 **—** **#satanic-circle** **—**

seungmeanie: crisis averted

seungmeanie: didn't even need any of your help

seungmeanie: i just saved someone's life today

seungmeanie: altho they did run away from embarrassment

seungmeanie: i mean i would too if i were them

seungmeanie: nonetheless im a fucking hero

seungmeanie: maybe i have super powers, not minho

 

 

 

 **—** **farquaad starsquad** **—**

f(e)lex: what time does practice start?

minho: want sum fuk?

hyunjorts: 6pm

hyunjorts: also when are you gonna change your name i keep reading it as felex and hating myself for it

f(e)lex: *flexes*

minho: NO

minho: the first rule of fight club is

f(e)lex: you dont talk about the fight club

hyunjorts: this isnt a fight club

minho: you don't rp in fight club

minho: and as the leader of the fight club and this pack i will not tolerate this

f(e)lex: *frowns and packs my bags*

minho: *opens the door for you*

hyunjorts: when did we become a pack

hyunjorts: i didnt consent to this

hyunjorts: and you just rp'd so does that make me the new leader

minho: i can't accept someone who puts their milk first before the cereal as the leader

f(e)lex: WHAT

f(e)lex: THE

f(e)lex: FUCK

f(e)lex: disgusting. kick him out

minho: as much as it pains me to say this, we use his family's studio to practice so kicking him out is out of the question

f(e)lex: curses

hyunjorts: i'm??? right??? here??? getting my feelings hurt??

minho: yall hear sumn?..

f(e)lex: *holding a newspaper* girl i hear sumn….

 

 

 

 **—** **#satanic-circle** **—**

beanie: guess who's back

seungmeanie: remember that one time jeongin wrote 'satan' instead of 'satin' and it got really awkward during religion class

chan cena: thats my son

dril bot: ur not my dad

dril bot: uglyass fucking… noodle head

uwujin: remember mrs.benett, the second year english prof?

minho: i had her last semester

chan cena: the one who overextends her period?

uwujin: ye that one

uwujin: changbin got in trouble cause he set an alarm and told her the class is over

minho: so thats why you were in detention

dril bot: DETENTION IN COLLEGE

seungmeanie: DETENTION IN COLLEGE

dril bot: thats just sad

seungmeanie: and disappointing

seungmeanie: tho i wouldn't put it past him

beanie: i literally just got here

minho: you missed so much

minho: and yet no one missed you

chan cena: kids behave

chan cena: let changbin BREATHE

dril bot: again, ur not my dad

chan cena: well i tried

beanie: not hard enough

minho: that's

uwujin: dont

minho: what

uwujin: stop

minho: she

**—minho has been removed from the chat —**

uwujin: thank you

**—minho has been added to the chat —**

minho: SAID

minho: gotem


	2. is that a Weed? *dials microwave* 911?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kitkat bars & prison bars

**—** **#satanic-circle** **—**

seungmeanie: is anyone here?

dril bot: that all depends on what the follow up question is

seungmeanie: have you tried licking your way to the center of a tootsie pop?

uwujin: no

minho: who hasnt

dril bot: i tried but i get distracted after 10 licks

seungmeanie: what's the highest lick counter anyone had?

dril bot: bold of you to assume i can count higher than 10

minho: bold of you to assume i can count at all

chan cena: i've never had a tootsie pop

seungmeanie: WHAT

minho: WHAT?????

dril bot: NANI?!!!

beanie: understandable

uwujin: WHAT THE FUCK BANG CHANIEL

minho: CHANIELSDGNLKD

minho: chan is short for chaniel

beanie: i never thought i'd see something more cursed than chan cena

dril bot: the simulation is glitching

chan cena: i wasn't allowed to eat candy when i was a kid

chan cena: i guess i just got used to it and never tried after

minho: that

minho: that is the saddest shit i've read

minho: and i've read jeongin's excuse of an english essay

dril bot: uncalled for

dril bot: but valid

seungmeanie: im almost afraid to ask this but

seungmeanie: what candy have you eaten??

chan cena: do cough drops count

uwujin: i. am. out. of. words

beanie: he cant be real

seungmeanie: I AM CREAMING

minho: gross

minho: keep your kinks out of this.

beanie: he's making a callout post with how long its taking him to type

minho: we're having a crisis for our tiddle widdle baby chaniel over here who- might i repeat- hasn't had a single candy in his goddamn life and you're out here taking pleasure out of it and publicly announcing it when a child is present. im nothing but disappointed in you, kim seungmin. i am completely, totally, absolutely, fully, thoroughly, and utterly disappointed in you as a man, a friend, an upperclassman, and a lover.

seungmeanie: im sowwy daddy

minho: I AM SCREAMING

beanie: *creaming

uwujin: *creaming

dril bot: it always surprises me how fast yall can derail from a single subject

chan cena: oh i've had jelly beans before

minho: was it the time you shoved a whole bag of jelly beans up your ass?

chan cena: and changbin shared half a kitkat bar with me

beanie: i did

minho: im impressed

minho: you're getting better at ignoring me

chan cena: im trying

beanie: i remember it like it was yesterday

beanie: it was the most cursed moment of my life

beanie: WAIT

beanie: this makes sense now!!!!!!!!!

beanie: image.png

seungmeanie: MY EYES

seungmeanie: IT BURNS

dril bot: im sorry but i can no longer be associated with you hyung

minho: HANG HIM

uwujin: you guys are overreacting

minho: HANG THE WITCH !! BURN HIM AT THE STAKE !!

seungmeanie: brb walking to his apartment to throw rocks outside his window

seungmeanie: you need to pay for burning that image in our head

uwujin: kim seungmin

uwujin: i just want to remind you that i, too, live in this apartment

seungmeanie: sacrifices have to be made

chan cena: was it that bad of a crime

dril bot: even my 5 yr old niece can eat a kitkat bar properly

minho: they're sectioned for a reason

minho: who sees a perfect dip between four wafers and decides

minho: "hey, let me ruin this beautiful masterpiece by biting into the middle like the goddamn imbecile i am. also, i wet the bed til i was 12"

chan cena: the last bit was unnecessary

chan cena: and something i trusted you to keep a secret

minho: oops

dril bot: thats on you for trusting minho hyung

chan cena: point accepted

minho: cant argue with that

uwujin: uh

uwujin: i see a silhouette in a hoodie walking towards our street

chan cena: who was it

chan cena: two years ago

chan cena: that told you renting a place that's just a walking distance from seungmin was a bad and terribly dangerous idea?

uwujin: the only reason he's here is because of you

uwujin: i can easily throw you downstairs and have you deal with this yourself

uwujin: you uncultured swine

uwujin: and bedwetter

 

 

 

**— private message: seungmin & woojin —**

seungmeanie: hey

seungmeanie: this is totally unrelated to the earlier conversation

seungmeanie: but what's your apartment # again?

 

seungmeanie: woojin hyung?

seungmeanie: hello?

 

 

 

**— private message: seungmin & minho —**

seungmeanie: do you by chance know what chan hyung's apartment # is?

minho: what do you have to offer for my extensive knowledge

seungmeanie: lunch

minho: for how many days

seungmeanie: why are you so hard to like

seungmeanie: two days

minho: warm

seungmeanie: three days

minho: warmer

seungmeanie: three days & coffee in the morning

minho: 215

seungmeanie: thanks

seungmeanie: you goddamn swindler

minho: flattery will get you nowhere

minho: aim for the very left window. that's where his bed is

 

 

 

**— private message: minho & changbin —**

minho: what floor does chan live again?

beanie: third. why?

minho: big whoops

 

 

 

**— private message: hyunjin & jisung —**

jisus: not to be a total pussy but

hyunjorts: denial is the first step to acceptance

jisus: i hear something outside

jisus: its like a knock

jisus: but its not

hyunjorts: have you considered checking it out?

jisus: what part of "not to be a total pussy" do u not understand

hyunjorts: the part where you claim you're not a total pussy

jisus: well im a fucking liar and you know this

hyunjorts: you skipped like 3 or 4 steps to acceptance

hyunjorts: thats kinda impressive

hyunjorts: this is the first and last time you'll hear this from me: im proud of you

jisus: im literally

jisus: gonna shit my pants

jisus: i think it's a knock. someone's knocking on the window

hyunjorts: you live on the second floor

jisus: THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT ASSHOLE

jisus: I GUESS ILL DIE

jisus: tell changbin i've always hated his guts and that i was the one who

hyunjorts: who what

hyunjorts: please tell me you're not dead

hyunjorts: I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO CHANGBIN IS

 

 

 

**— farquaad starsquad —**

f(e)lex: if you're reading this you have feelings for me

minho: thank god im illiterate !

f(e)lex: then how did you type that

minho: with my fingers, dumb bitch.

f(e)lex: is an upperclassman supposed to show this kind of hostility to the younger ones who looks up to them?

minho: all i got from that is you look up to me

minho: cute

f(e)lex:（*/∇＼*）

minho: i take it back

hyunjorts: my friend stopped responding to my messages after they said they heard someone knocking on their window

hyunjorts: what do

hyunjorts: im comfortable in bed

hyunjorts: and cannot be arsed to check on him

minho: first of all

minho: mood

minho: second

minho: will you be able to live with the conscience of being an indirect accomplice to their murder?

hyunjorts: 50/50

f(e)lex: you guys are heartless

f(e)lex: GO CHECK ON HIM

hyunjorts: fine

hyunjorts: but if i die, remember this

hyunjorts: you are an indirect accomplice to my murder

 

 

 

**— #satanic-circle —**

dril bot: is chan hyung dead yet

dril bot: im not crossing my fingers or anything

chan cena: maybe he's still gathering rocks cause i dont hear anything

uwujin: or he spared you out of the kindness of his heart

_several people are typing..._

dril bot: HAHAAHAHAHAHA

beanie: L MA. O

minho: the what in his what now???

chan cena: good one, woojin

uwujin: anything for my fans

minho: n e ways

minho: there's like a 99% chance he's throwing rocks at the wrong window

uwujin: what did u do….

minho: IN MY DEFENSE

minho: we've established that im the least reliable one here

minho: its on seungmin for trusting me

minho: just like how it was on chan hyung to tell me he wet his bed til he was 12

chan cena: stop briNGING THAT UP

 

 

 

**— private message: chan & felix —**

chan cena: all my friends are heathens

f(e)lex: take it slow

f(e)lex: wait for them to ask you who you know

chan cena: when's the last time you wet the bed

f(e)lex: i know it looked like a lot but i swear i move in my

sleep so much that my sleeping position changes drastically and that was drool

f(e)lex: any further questions will be answered in the presence of an attorney

f(e)lex: i wil NOT have my rights revoked nor repressed from me

chan cena: you lost me

chan cena: anyway,

chan cena: dont be ashamed of who you are

f(e)lex: aw thank you（*/∇＼*）

chan cena: that's my job

f(e)lex: I HATE THIS FUCKING FAMILY

 

 

 

**— private message: hyunjin & jisung —**

jisus: hey

hyunjorts: great you're alive

jisus: my phone died but

jisus: dont worry

hyunjorts: oh i wasnt

jisus: i called the cops

hyunjorts: you did What

jisus: i called the cops

hyunjorts: and Why did you think that was a Good Idea

jisus: cause i could have been killed?????

hyunjorts: YOU DIDNT EVEN CHECK WHAT OR WHO IT WAS

jisus: thats what a horror movie extra would do

jisus: and u know what happens to horror movie extras?

hyunjorts: they dont call the cops

jisus: they DIE

 

 

 

**— #satanic-circle —**

chan cena: i just got a call from seungmin

beanie: o shit

dril bot: was it to beg for forgiveness lol

chan cena: no

chan cena: its to pick him up from the police station

minho: WHATCMDLSLLV

dril bot: SKLFGLSOFOG HES IN PRISON????

uwujin: the police station isn't the same as prison jeongin

minho: fuck

minho: i might die tonight

minho: tell changbin i've always hated his guts

beanie: im right here

minho: and that i was the one who

 

 

 

**— private message: seungmin & minho —**

seungmeanie: say your prayers

minho: i dont think we've established a safeword yet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minsung: hasnt met, already ruining lives


	3. Laugh Out Minho Loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> minho falls in love, and in general.

**—** **#satanic-circle** **—**

dril bot: good morning to everyone who isnt a criminal

chan cena: too soon

minho: well fellas i hope yall enjoyed my company

dril bot: not really

beanie: you are half the reason for my everyday suffering

chan cena: eh

uwujin: i'll live

minho: thanks guys i appreciate your kind words

minho: on my last day on Earth

minho: before seungmin orchestrates my murder

uwujin: you're overreacting

minho: the last time you said that seungmin got thrown into JAIL

uwujin: how many times do i gotta say he wasn't

seungmin: good morning to everyone who doesnt think of me as an ex-convict

dril bot: who are you talking to exactly?

seungmin: chan hyung?

chan cena: yes, its me, chan who doesn't think you're an ex-convict

beanie: not convincing

seungmin: woojin hyung?

uwujin: its funnier to think that you are

seungmin: you guys

seungmin: are the worst

seungmin: you dont know the kind of life i lived in prison

chan cena: dont you have classes to attend to

dril bot: how come our fingers have fingertips but toes dont have toetips

minho: huh

seungmeanie: anyway

seungmeanie: minho better watch your back

dril bot: and yet we tiptoe, despite the absence of toetips, but not tipfinger

minho: might just have to skip class

minho: jeongin is teaching me more than what i learn at uni

uwujin: this is what happens when you encourage him

dril bot: makes you wonder, doesn't it?

seungmeanie: i'll strike when you least expect it

beanie: not really

beanie: get to class

minho: i have a full body suit i aint scared of you

 

 

 

 **—** **farquaad starsquad** **—**

f(e)lex: im too scared to ask

f(e)lex: and too embarrassed to talk to you so

f(e)lex: ill just throw it out here

hyunjorts: what the fuck are you wearing minho

f(e)lex: thank you for shouldering my burden

hyunjorts: what am i looking at

hyunjorts: what is Everyone looking at

f(e)lex: halloween is in three months

f(e)lex: akdlflslxc HE'S TRYING TO REACH FOR HIS PHONE

f(e)lex: but he CANT

hyunjorts: im taking a video of this

hyunjorts: ah fuck he's looking my way

f(e)lex: he's running

hyunjorts: oh no

f(e)lex: how can he run so fast in a sumo suit

f(e)lex: hOLY FUCK HYUNJIN ARE YOU OKAY IM CRYIN. G

f(e)lex: rip hwang hyunjin

f(e)lex: your wealth and enormous fortune will be missed

 

 

 

 **—** **#satanic-circle** **—**

beanie: guess what happened in dance

beanie: guess what happened in dance

uwujin: what

beanie: minho got asked to take off his fucking clothes

dril bot: isnt that public humiliation

uwujin: i think its sexual harassment before anything else

seungmeanie: u forgot to explain what the idiot was wearing

seungmeanie: a fullass sumo suit

uwujin: im sorry, a what?

seungmeanie: minhodumbitch.png

dril bot: IS THIS REAL

uwujin: im disappointed

uwujin: and somewhat impressed

uwujin: it never fails to surprise me how thick minho's skin is

dril bot: at age 5 he was born without shame

beanie: thats not even the worst part

uwujin: do i Dare ask

dril bot: i want you to hit me with it

dril bot: Hard

beanie: he doesn't have anything under it

beanie: and didnt bring spare clothes

dril bot: not even undies??

beanie: the guy's an idiot, but not that much of an idiot

seungmeanie: his last remaining brain cell remembered to put some on

chan cena: i can lend him some clothes

seungmeanie: YOU ARE NOT GOING TO RUIN THIS FOR ME BY BEING A MOM

seungmeanie: i need him in this state

seungmeanie: bigger target

seungmeanie: harder to miss

chan cena: please don't actually hurt him

chan cena: he still owes me $50

chan cena: i need him alive for that

seungmeanie: what if i said i'll snatch his wallet for you once the deed is done

chan cena: hit him where it hurts

uwujin: the standard for morality is unachievable and extremely low in this group

dril bot: yeET

 

 

 

**— private message: hyunjin & jisung —**

jisus: bruh

jisus: you still at the infirmary?

hyunjorts: yeah, why?

jisus: well i was gonna visit you but….

jisus: there's someone stuck in the door

hyunjorts: oh that's minho hyung

jisus: what is he wearing

hyunjorts: under all that? nothing.

hyunjorts: one prick of a needle on that inflatable suit and he'd be naked

hyunjorts: wait

hyunjorts: o hmyg od

hyunjorts: hey

jisus: im not doing it

hyunjorts: Jisung

jisus: I DONT EVEN KNOW HIM

hyunjorts: well you will once you do it

hyunjorts: cmon it'd be a lasting first impression

jisus: unlike you i have a conscience

hyunjorts: i am hurt

hyunjorts: injured

hyunjin: bedridden

hyunjorts: unable to make it to tonight's dance competition

hyunjorts: and you refuse to listen to my One Wish?

jisus: im no make-a-wish foundation so try again

jisus: also fuck you i know you're none of those

jisus: you're only in there to skip class

hyunjorts: you know my name not my story

jisus: what IS your story

jisus: how'd you end up there

hyunjorts: minho hyung

jisus: i dont know why but for some strange reason that makes perfect sense

 

 

 

**— private message: seungmin & changbin —**

seungmeanie: where is he

seungmeanie: stop hiding him from me

beanie: you said it yourself

beanie: he's hard to miss

seungmeanie: i didnt see him in his third block

beanie: infirmary

seungmeanie: darn it did someone got to him before me??

beanie: i think you need time away from our group chat

beanie: and reevaluate the fact that not everyone is out to get minho

beanie: no matter how easy it is to believe otherwise

seungmeanie: u right

seungmeanie: thats why im on my way

beanie: with what

seungmeanie: what do u mean

beanie: you know what i mean

beanie: you came prepared to Fight. physical or emotional?

seungmeanie: emotional scars heal slower

seungmeanie: image.png

beanie: why are you showing me a photo of your pen

beanie: ohmygod no

beanie: YOU CANT DO THAT ITS TOO CRUEL

seungmeanie: too cruel isnt in my vocabulary

 

 

 

**— private message: minho & changbin —**

minho: i found loml

beanie: do you mean lol

minho: not lol

minho: loml you insolent fool

beanie: elaborate

minho: the Love of My Fucking Life

beanie: thats funny

beanie: cause love requires the ability to Feel

beanie: when's the last time you Felt something that isnt the desire to ruin your friends' lives??

minho: i cannot be put on the pedestal here

minho: i am Fleeting with Feelings

minho: also, like 9th grade maybe

beanie: who's the poor sucker

minho: i dont know his name

beanie: oh boy

minho: but i know the sound of wedding bells ringing in his laughter

beanie: that is the gayest shit i've read and I'm Me,

beanie: tell me more

minho: i knew i came to the right bitch

beanie: what does he look like

minho: next question

beanie: …….please tell me you know what he looks like

minho: have i ever mentioned

minho: i have a voice kink

minho: his voice was sultry, i was being seduced

minho: it was low, but not felix low u know?

minho: like God, Ram Me This Very Moment low u know?

minho: it was *kisses fingers* c'est magnefique!

 

minho: changbin?

 

 

 

**— private message: changbin & chan —**

beanie: shakespeare is rolling in his grave and it's all minho's fault

chan cena: what did he do

beanie: Exist

chan cena: if that was it then every dead person would be rolling in their grave

beanie: point: valid

 

 

 

**— private message: hyunjin & jisung —**

hyunjorts: today felt like a simulation

jisus: tell me about it

jisus: the moment i saw the Ass Eater from the other day, i knew it was a test

jisus: and i never wanted to fail so badly

hyunjorts: besides the time changbin projectile vomitted on me, that was the second most terrifying thing i witnessed

hyunjorts: i cant believe minho hyung's friends with that guy

hyunjorts: on second thought, i can

jisus: is that what friends look like to you

jisus: he almost killed the man

hyunjorts: i wouldnt put it past minho hyung to anger someone to that extent

jisus: how Bad is He

jisus: i didnt even get to see his face

hyunjorts: maybe its cause you were busy laughing your ass off

hyunjorts: o sorry, i meant snorting

hyunjorts: definitely thought there was a loose pig

jisus: ok but how often do you see someone in a sumo suit attempt to squeeze himself through a tiny door and explode??

hyunjorts: when you have friends like mine

hyunjorts: more than necessary

 

 

 

**— private message: seungmin & chan —**

chan cena: i am confiding in you privately for one reason:

chan cena: i trust you as a person and a friend and that you won't tell minho what i'm about to ask you

chan cena: because i am an exemplary figure in our friend group who doesn't take pleasure in my friend's pain and suffering

chan cena: what im trying to say is

seungmeanie: you want to know what happened during lunch

chan cena: thank you

seungmeanie: what do you got

chan cena: i was afraid that'd be your answer

chan cena: in the back of my head i thought hmm maybe seungmin wouldnt ask for anything in return cause he's such a good pal of mine and i've known him since he was a baby and raised him into the fine young man that he is now

seungmeanie: you give me too much credit

seungmeanie: also

seungmeanie: we met like 3 years ago

chan cena: a week's worth of starbucks

seungmeanie: fasten your seatbelt

 

 

 

**— private message: woojin & chan —**

chan cena: then seungmin charged at him screaming

uwujin: why was he screaming

chan cena: for dramatics? idk its seungmin

chan cena: everything he does is extra

chan cena: anyway, before u so rudely interrupted me

uwujin: im paying for half of the coffee you promised seungmin

chan cena: feel free to interrupt me at any given point in this story

uwujin: thats what i thought

chan cena: ANYWAY where was i

chan cena: o right he was screaming right so minho started screaming too

chan cena: i forgot to mention he's stuck on a door like

chan cena: physically and immovably stuck

chan cena: he thought he could fit since he wanted to change clothes but anyone with common sense could see it was impossible

uwujin: its minho you're talking about

chan cena: touche

chan cena: so minho tried to escape by forcing himself through the door but despite his desperate struggle against his inevitable downfall, seungmin was Right There with a Pen

uwujin: oh no

chan cena: oh yes

chan cena: he fucking EXPLODED RJHGKSDFH seungmin said he didnt expect to be knocked back

chan cena: god i wish i was thERE !!!

chan cena: o and he also didnt expect minho to lose consciousness when he fell forward and hit the floor hard, in seungmin's words, 'like a goddamn pussy'

chan cena: dont tell him i told you this ok

uwujin: uh huh

chan cena: seungmin legitimately got worried

uwujin: will you look at that, the kid's still got a heart

chan cena: so he tried slapping him awake. about 5 slaps to the cheek cause he thought he was Dead

chan cena: "i didnt want to go back to prison"

uwujin: i retract my earlier statement

uwujin: who took him to the infirmary?

chan cena: o this was happening in the infirmary

chan cena: so if you think about it, minho's pretty damn lucky

 

 

 

**— private message: seungmin & chan —**

chan cena: actually before i go, i have one more question

seungmeanie: he didnt have his wallet on him

chan cena: goddamnit

 

 

 

**— farquaad starsquaad —**

minho: i'd die for you guys

hyunjorts: this can be arranged

f(e)lex: how soon?

minho: you know i do your evaluations and pass it on to our advisor right?

hyunjorts: i can't let you die hyung i love you too much

f(e)lex: how soon?

minho: hyunjin you're the ONLY bitch i trust in this house

f(e)lex: who was it again that lend you spare clothes this afternoon?

minho: THEY BARELY FIT

minho: GODDAMN SKINNY PENIS OVER HERE

hyunjorts: its ya boi...

hyunjorts: skinny felix

minho: dfhsdfjj

f(e)lex: C U R S E D

f(e)lex: i hate it

f(e)lex: never speak again

minho: your jeans made me look like mr. the hulk

hyunjorts: why were you wearing that shit anyway?

minho: to protect myself

hyunjorts: and how did that turn out for you?

minho: i meat the loml

minho: mET*

f(e)lex: you meat??

hyunjorts: the meat the meat we beaT BEAT BEAT

f(e)lex: is that what you chant to yourself when you're having a date with your left hand?

hyunjorts: UHM ITS MY RIGHT HAND SO SHUT THE FUCK UP

f(e)lex: damn my b

minho: no one is basking in this beautiful moment with me

minho: how are you guys ignoring the fact that i am In Love

f(e)lex: hyung, you had a concussion from landing face first on the floor

f(e)lex: and fainted

f(e)lex: your head aint in the right place right now

hyunjorts: it never was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its 3am so this counts as Today's update dont fight me on this  
> n e way, i still dont know how to make the two groups meet but believe in the me that believes in you that it'll be messy  
> 


	4. for someone who references furries so much, i sure know nothing about them!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> furry culture & chain letters

**— hyunjorts changed his name to hyunjeans —**

hyunjeans: new year new me

jisus: its october

jisus: and that isnt even remotely close to a significant change

hyunjeans: im out of jorts

jisus: praise be to god

hyunjeans: dont twist your panties i just forgot to do the laundry

 

 

 

**— farquaad starsquad —**

hyunjeans: new year new me

minho: its october

hyunjeans: so i was Told...

f(e)lex: hey can i add my friend here

f(e)lex: they're planning on joining the group anyway

minho: you have FRIENDS??? outside of US??

minho: without MY PERMISSION??

f(e)lex: i've known him before i met you

minho: tou-fucking-che skinny felix

minho: i give you permission as the alpha

**— chan cena has been added to the chat —**

hyunjin: can you leave us out of your furry fantasies

minho: Hello Felix's friend, I am Minho. You have the same username as an acquaintance of mine, which is a funny coincidence. If you have any questions, do refer to Hyunjin, my lovely assistant

chan cena: its me chan

chan cena: and did u just call me an acquaintance

chan cena: i've known you since 5th grade

minho: wh

minho: then what the FUCK did i had to be formal for

chan cena: no one….. asked you…. to do that…

hyunjeans: im not your assistant

minho: do you assist me with choreo?

hyunjeans: yeah?

minho: and picking songs?

hyunjeans: sometimes

minho: you're my assistant

f(e)lex: then what am i?????

minho: you're my omega

chan cena: you know i just got here but i want to leave already

f(e)lex: i dont even know what that means

hyunjeans: it means ur his bitch

hyunjeans: but in like, furry language

chan cena: a/b/o doesn't immediately correlate with furries

hyunjeans: we just met and that's the first thing you tell me

minho: first impressions last

hyunjeans: are you part of minho's furry troupe

chan cena: his what

chan cena: is that what you've been calling us behind our backs?

minho: NO

minho: im not even a Furry

f(e)lex: you keep calling yourself the alpha and us your pack

chan cena: its prolly a power struggle

chan cena: you see in our group, he doesn't get a lot of respect

chan cena: or any, actually

hyunjeans: funny that you say that

hyunjeans: cause he doesn't get any here either

f(e)lex: i sorta respect him?

minho: you're the ONLY bitch i respect in this house

hyunjeans: thats what you said to me last week

minho: i guess you're both my omegas

hyunjeans: I DONT WANT TO BE PART OF THIS

f(e)lex: i guess you can say

f(e)lex: he's the bane of your existence

hyunjeans: no

chan cena: well this is a howling experience

hyunjeans: with all due respect, stop

hyunjeans: also welcome to the crew

minho: the pack*

f(e)lex: yiff yiff

chan cena: hooray!

minho: yiff yiff

chan cena: hooray!

**— hyunjeans has left the chat —**

minho: this is what separates the men from the boys

chan cena: the wolves from the pups

 

 

 

**— #satanic-circle —**

dril bot: question

seungmeanie: tell me how you think about me

minho: tELL MEH OW U THINK ABOUT ME

minho: goddamnit

uwujin: how did you both get it wrong

dril bot: anyway

dril bot: minho hyung

dril bot: why do you have paper bills in your freezer

minho: cold hard cash baby

dril bot: sorry i asked

minho: why are you in my freezer

minho: even im not allowed in there

dril bot: i told u im coming over

minho: how did u get in

dril bot: you gave me spare keys when u were drunk one time

minho: i have zero recollection of this

minho: how long ago was this,,

dril bot: almost 2 years now lol

minho: what the fucking fuck

uwujin: so the entire time you were talking about a ghost in your apartment

uwujin: and how they were stealing your canned corn

dril bot: all me

seungmeanie: i raised you well

dril bot: i raised myself Thot

minho: can someone keep an eye on jeongin while im at practice

minho: i dont wanna come home to an empty apartment

seungmeanie: on it

minho: NOT YOU

minho: ANYONE BUT YOU

seungmeanie: im getting in the car

minho: YOU CANT EVEN DRIVE

seungmeanie: im getting on the bus

chan cena: ill pick you up

chan cena: party at minho's

minho: NO U CANT

minho: ill deny your application

chan cena: party cancelled

seungmeanie: since when did you become minho's Bitch

chan cena: since i joined his dance crew

seungmeanie: you're smarter than this hyung

chan cena: I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS PART OF IT

chan cena: felix said they had a really good, competent and hardworking leader quote end quote

minho: and we do

seungmeanie: so in other words you were conned

chan cena: more or less, yes

minho: all my beautiful underclassman did was tell the Truth

dril bot: which part of it is

 

 

 

**— private message: hyunjin & minho —**

hyunjeans: add me back to the chat

hyunjeans: do it you wont

hyunjeans: coward

minho: you were the one who LEFT

hyunjeans: justifiably so

 

 

 

**— #satanic-circle —**

seungmeanie: then he was like,

**— hyunjeans has been added to the chat —**

seungmeanie: how do u know which penis opens up to accept the other penis during gay sex

hyunjeans: where am i

chan cena: o hey!!!!  its you!!!!

hyunjeans: wait

hyunjeans: is this minho hyung's furry troupe

seungmeanie: excuse me his what

dril bot: yes

uwujin: is that what he calls us behind our backs

chan cena: THATS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID

beanie: i ran away from my responsibilities

beanie: and ive never felt so fuCKING GOOD IN MY LIFE

beanie: skipped on my part-time job now i feel liberal

hyunjeans: u mean liberated?

beanie: fuck u grammar nazi

beanie: wait who are you

hyunjeans: hwang hyunjin

beanie: h o shit new person

beanie: how'd you get initiated?

hyunjeans: initiated?

beanie: yeah like what did you do to be added here

hyunjeans: nothing, i think? i'm not even supposed to be here..

beanie: WHAT

beanie: BEFORE THEY LET ME JOIN I HAD TO DRESS UP AS A MIME FOR 3 DAYS AND I WASNT ALLOWED TO TALK OUTSIDE OF CLASS

uwujin: what

dril bot: when did this happen

seungmeanie: gotta blast!

chan cena: changbin,, u know this is literally JUST a group chat right

dril bot: why do we need an initiation (dumbass b)

chan cena: is that why you didnt talk at all when you first joined

dril bot: im fucking crying

beanie: seungmin told me i didnt had the permission to

beanie: even if i tried to post something, u guys wont see it

chan cena: did you actually try?? to post something???

beanie: …………..no

chan cena: well there you have it

uwujin: on behalf of everyone, and as the only proper human being in here, i apologize

uwujin: usually everyone gets to keep one of their brain cells but tonight it seems like everyone's just sharing one

hyunjeans: its entertaining

minho: whats hyunjin doing here WTF

seungmeanie: speaking of the lack of brain cells

beanie: seungmin im gonna KILL YOU

seungmeanie: you're physically and emotionally unable to and you know this

hyunjeans: you added me to the wrong chat

minho: big woops

 

 

 

**— farquaad starsquad —**

f(e)lex: and said maRRY ME JULIET YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO BE ALONE

**— hyunjeans has been added to the chat —**

f(e)lex: I LOVE YOU AND THATS ALL I REALLY KNOW

hyunjeans: you cant handle loving me

f(e)lex: that is a challenge i do not want to accept

f(e)lex: what took you so long

hyunjeans: minho dumbass put me in the wrong chat

chan cena: what happened to calling him 'hyung'

hyunjeans: listen

hyunjeans: here and there are different

hyunjeans: there i have a reputation to uphold

hyunjeans: here, i rule a kingdom

**— hyunjeans has been removed from the chat —**

f(e)lex: ╮( ˘ ､ ˘ )╭

chan cena: Brutal

f(e)lex: I TALKED TO YOUR DAD GO PICK UP A WHITE DRESS

f(e)lex: ITS A LOVE STORY BABY JUST SAY YES

 

 

 

**— private message: hyunjin & minho —**

hyunjeans: add me back

minho: didnt i already??

hyunjeans: then you kicked me out again

minho: I DIDNT !!!! I WASNT EVEN PHYSICALLY HERE

hyunjeans: well you are now

minho: *whispers to myself* what's with this sassy lost child?

hyunjeans: you know i can still read that

 

 

 

**— thweewacha (3RACHA) —**

jisus: so theres a problem

chan cena: i forgot this chat exists

jisus: i forgot you exist

beanie: damn u didnt had to pop off like that

jisus: so theres a problem

chan cena: so you've said

jisus: i thought my keyboar was fixe but the thing that looks like a p upsies own oesnt work

chan cena: the d?>

beanie: JISUNG'S D DONT WORK

chan cena: wsjfseSJKFNDKHG

jisus: i hate you both

chan cena: i CNAT BEREAHTE

chan cena: HIS D DONT WORK

jisus: goo job you broke him

chan cena: only thing broke nhere is your D

jisus: thats it im going to be

jisus: GO AMN IT

jisus: im going to sleep

 

 

 

**— farquaad starsquad —**

**— hyunjeans has been added to the chat —**

minho: children, behave

minho: daddy doesnt like it when you fight

**— hyunjeans has left  the chat —**

**— f(e)lex has left  the chat —**

chan cena: wow

chan cena: no matter where you are, u possess the ability to make everyone leave

**— hyunjeans has been added to the chat —**

**— f(e)lex has been added to the chat —**

minho: NO MORE LEAVING

f(e)lex: never make me read that again

minho: dully noted.

minho: cant make any promises tho

f(e)lex: (＞﹏＜)

hyunjeans: i almost jumped out my window

minho: you live on the first floor

minho: i dont know how you manage the other group

chan cena: here's the thing: i dont

minho: touche

f(e)lex: im excited to dance with chan hyung ヽ(>∀<☆)ノ

hyunjeans: same

chan cena: you think you're excited? you should feel my nipples

f(e)lex: (⇀‸↼‶)

minho: that's a hard pass from me coach

chan cena: shut the fuck up you love my nipples

minho: not in front of the children, you ;)

f(e)lex: this is gross i hate it take it away

 

 

 

**— private message: minho & jeongin —**

minho: what crawled up his ass

dril bot: seungmin has a cold

dril bot: i tried to tell him not to go today, but uhhh

dril bot: i pussied out

minho: honestly?? i dont blame you

minho: i've looked death cold in the eyes, but seungmin's eyes..

minho: they're much, much colder much darker

dril bot: try sending him home

dril bot: you're older so maybe he'll listen to you

minho: LMAAAAAAAO

dril bot: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

minho: fucken nice one

 

 

 

**— private message: minho & seungmin —**

minho: hey so

seungmeanie: die

minho: gotcha

 

 

 

**— private message: minho & chan —**

minho: chan hyung can you check up on seungmin and ask him to go home cause he doesn't look good and as his friend it is your duty to make sure he is being properly looked after and taken care of, which he isnt so go do your job

chan cena: you're sending me to my deathbed at 8am

minho: sacrifices have to be made

chan cena: can i take a rain check on this one

minho: no

 

 

 

**— private message: woojin & chan —**

chan cena: minho told me to tell you to check up on seungmin and ask him to go home cause he doesn't look good and as his friend it is your duty to make sure he is being properly looked after and taken care of, which he isnt so go do your job

uwujin: why dont you do it

chan cena: you raise an excellent point

chan cena: however

uwujin: however?

chan cena: i'll do it

 

 

 

**— private message: chan & changbin —**

chan cena: woojin told me to tell you to check up on seungmin and ask him to go home cause he doesn't look good and as his friend it is your duty to make sure he is being properly looked after and taken care of, which he isnt so go do your job

beanie: why dont you do it

chan cena: cause im also sick

beanie: oh, sorry. feel better soon!

 

 

 

**— private message: changbin & minho —**

beanie: woojin hyung told me to tell you to check up on seungmin and ask him to go home cause he doesn't look good and as his friend it is your duty to make sure he is being properly looked after and taken care of, which he isnt so go do your job

minho: wow

minho: yall have been passing this around like a goddamn chain letter

beanie: at this point it might as well be one

minho: im impressed at everyone being more concerned about themselves than their sick friend

minho: really says a lot about our character

minho: or lack thereof

 

 

 

**— private message: hyunjin & jisung —**

hyunjeans: you're never gonna believe what happened to me

jisus: bet

hyunjeans: ass eater just sneezed on my entire fucking face

jisus: snot an all?

hyunjeans: snot and all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda pointless chapter but wanted everyone to slowly be acquainted with each other at least. also, im thinking of doing a chapter dedicated to these idiots gaming, thoughts? it'd be like a voice chat kind of situation. if yall like it, then comment on what game you'd like to see!


	5. what's "upgamers"?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its high noon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once they enter the voice channel, i'll refer to them as their actual names to distinguish between text chat & voice chat and avoid confusion  
> to my non-gamers readers im sorry and get rekt

**— farquaad starsquad —**

minho: where are we dropping boys

hyunjeans: o right its saturday

f(e)lex: FAMILY GAME NIGIHT

minho: put on your strap ons cause we're about to dick down on some fuckin NOOBS

hyunjeans: do we have to go through this every time

minho: you bet your tight ass we do

chan cena: whats happening

f(e)lex: FAMILY GAME NIGIHT

chan cena: no i got that part

chan cena: how did you make the same typo twice

f(e)lex: feel free to join us hyung (๑°꒵°๑)

minho: yeah just dont be a fucking DEADWEIGHT

f(e)lex: he isnt serious btw

minho: glug glug glug motherfuckers

f(e)lex: he just likes talking like this

minho: if you can't beat the toxics, join them

hyunjeans: speaking of joining, my friend might join us tonight

minho: they better not be a goddamn fuckin boob

minho: NOOB****

hyunjeans: boob

f(e)lex: boob

chan cena: boob

hyunjeans: ill tell him you called him a boob

minho: boob is nothing but a compliment

minho: your friend probably doesn't deserve it

minho: considering how low his standards for friends are

minho: BOOM ROASTED

f(e)lex: remember that one saturday minho hyung wasnt here

f(e)lex: cause he had a big project to finish? i miss that night

hyunjeans: me too brother

minho: if i had the ability to feel i would be very offended right now

chan cena: glad you finally accepted the fact that you're physically unable to emphatize and adapt emotions

chan cena: unless seungmin is involved

minho: that's an unfair characterization!! even satan would piss his pants in seungmin's presence, assuming he isn't satan himself.

chan cena: or that he works for satan

minho: no, satan works for him

hyunjeans: how bad is this seungmin

minho: its best you dont know

chan cena: ignorance is bliss my child

**— minho has changed his name to bob destroyer —**

hyunjeans: bob

chan cena: bob

f(e)lex: bob

bob destroyer: you know what fuck it

bob destroyer: im too lazy to change

bob: i have learned to accept myself, bob and all

bob destroyer: anyway, chan hyung are you in? we're playing some over-fucking-watch, my guy

chan cena: im diggy diggy down

f(e)lex: stop being a dad

hyunjeans: i'll start a new group, if that's fine

minho: You're Fine ;)

f(e)lex: stop

 

 

 

**— owo whats deez nuts *airhorn* —**

**— hyunjeans has added bob destroyer, chan cena, f(e)lex, jisus to the chat —**

f(e)lex: every fiber of my being wanted to decline the group invite so bad after reading what you named it

jisus: hyunjin is officially never allowe to name a group chat ever again ever

bob destroyer: i, for one, am very proud of you

chan cena: you know you've done something ugly when he approves of it

hyunjeans: can i turn down your approval

bob destroyer: ALRIGHT EVERYONE

bob destroyer: fasten your seatbelts cause this train is going to fucking WRECK

bob destroyer: SOME

chan cena: hold up someone else wants to join

**— beanie has been added to the chat —**

bob destroyer: PUSSY

bob destroyer: TONIGHT

bob destroyer: speaking of pussy

jisus: speaking of pussy

beanie: oh god

beanie: who thought it was a good idea to have these two in the same fucking place

jisus: shut up pussy

f(e)lex: i dont understand the hostility but

f(e)lex: i'm felix and compared to everyone else here, i'm nice

bot destroyer: we don't need nice here we need a GOD

chan cena: gods can be nice?

jisus: not in this economy

hyunjeans: time's a wastin!!!! get on vc!!!!

bob destroyer: WAIT

bob destroyer: im kinda shy around new people uwu

beanie: shut the fuck up

hyunjeans: fuck off with that uwu never use it again

f(e)lex: shy isnt even in your vocabulary

jisus: i understand what you mean bob hyung

bob destroyer: i love the honorifics upgamers

jisus: whats upgamers

bob destroyer: not much whats up with you

hyunjeans: GET ON OVERWATCH BITCH

 

 

 

**— hyunjeans, bob destroyer, chan cena, f(e)lex, jisus, beanie has entered the voice channel —**

 

**Saturday, 05:13PM**

hyunjin: hello?

jisung: yo

hyunjin: hello?

changbin: hey

_[everyone repeatedly saying hello for the lack of better conversation]_

minho: CAN YOU GUYS HEAR ME?

felix: i wish i didnt

changbin: a little too loudly, but yeah

minho: goodie

minho: so who's ready to sniff, eat, and kick ass?

hyunjin: i wish i was deaf, or dead some place where i couldn't hear that

felix: someone's literally dying right now

hyunjin: oh that's just jisung. give him time.

jisung: i dont know who's voice is who but im assuming that was bob hyung

_[crackling, static background]_

changbin: okay, but what the fuck was that. i'm alone in my room so no one better try some shit.

felix: chan hyung's typing in the chat asking if we can hear him

felix: we can't hear you hyung. is your mic even plugged in?

minho: technical difficulties with a mic is such a fucking dad thing

chan: what about now?

changbin: we can hear you now

chan: okay so i've been talking to myself the entire time, holy shit. i thought you guys were just purposely ignoring me

minho: who's ready to sniff, eat, and kick ass?

chan: now you're just being rude..

hyunjin: you already asked that! now you just made me listen to it again i hate you

minho: no one answered the first time, that's why

hyunjin: you should have taken the hint

minho: well y'all better answer if you dont want to hear it a third time

everyone, _a beat off from each other_ : YES

jisung: wow so this is how hitler rose to power

 

 

**Saturday, 5:38PM**

minho: watch out they have a widow

changbin: how did she get me from there what the fuck

felix: with a scope? because she's a sniper?

changbin: i was behind a fucking pillar

minho: you're a goddamn roadhog you cant hide there and get away with it

jisung: roadhog skinny legend

hyunjin: you cant laugh that hard at your own joke it didnt even made sense dumbass

jisung: why? you do it all the time

hyunjin: well yeah cause when i do it its funny

minho: STOP EATING EACH OTHERS ASS AND GET THAT WIDOW

felix: you're really on it today with the ass eating hyung

hyunjin: lets not talk about that it triggers me

changbin. trigger warning trigger warning ass eating trigger warning

hyunjin: STOP IT

jisung: he really does get triggered by it i should know

minho: what the fuck does that mean elaborate for the team i can't be out here stealing the objective with the image of you eating hyunjin's ass in my head

hyunjin. WHY ARE YOU EVEN IMAGINING IT

changbin: stop it now it's in my head too

jisung: i'll leave it to your imagination

hyunjin: SHUT THE FUCK UP JISUNG YOU CANT EVEN EAT BROCCOLI HOW ARE YOU GONNA EAT ASS

_[jisung, losing his mind, wheezing, and not moving in-game and gets sniped]_

minho: i'm gonna eat your ass I MEANT beat your ass

jisung: did you just make a verbal typo?

minho: did you just get kicked out for inactivity?

jisung: FUCK MY ASS

felix: broccoli is good for you

 

 

**Saturday, 6:42PM**

chan: oh fuck i was muted the entire time

 

 

**Saturday, 7:12PM**

minho: lets all go in together

felix: aight lets get it

minho: WHAT WAS THAT

changbin: _[barely audible through laughter]_ I SAW THAT JISUNG

hyunjin: what did he do this time

felix: i saw it on my killcam. with all due respect, that was the dumbest thing i've seen in my life. ever. even chan hyung can't beat that one.

minho. he- _[wheeze]_ he just used his ult in the middle of a minefield and died on point. he didn't even get to finish his 'step right up'

jisung: i didn't see the mines..

minho: oh god that was hilarious you're a perfect idiot i'm in literal TEARS

chan: you mean the glowing red balls with glowing red lights coming out of its glowing red holes?

jisung: shut the fuck up hyung you've killed yourself every time you used a pulse bomb

chan: i'm not ashamed of who i am

felix: you should be

 

 

**Saturday, 8:18PM**

hyunjin: hyung i'm hungry

minho: and what do you want me to do about it

jisung: eat his ass

hyunjin: i'm done i'm leaving this call

felix: that wouldn't even help with his hunger

changbin: i'm hungry too

chan: dinner break?

minho: DISPERSE

 

 

**Saturday, 8:56PM**

hyunjin: hide your wives and children i hear a riptire

_[chan dies unceremoniously]_

hyunjin: what did i just say

chan: in my defense, you said to hide my wives and children, not myself

minho: he makes a valid point

chan: how do i know when that happens again?

jisung: you'll hear their ult phrase

chan: oh, i have my audio turned down all the way

minho: what?

changbin: how have you been playing the entire time

felix: hyung eating every ult makes so much more sense now

jisung: then how do you know when someone is ulting?- LIKE THAT ONE OH MY GOD

hyunjin: THAT SHIT FUNNY

minho: that mcree annihilated all of us at the perfect time

chan: i dont know about you but i lived

minho: CAUSE YOU WERE RESPAWNING

 

 

**Saturday, 9:43PM**

felix: who's playing widow

changbin: itsa me

felix: explain to me how you're crouching in the middle of the ground where everyone can see you

changbin: i'm crouching so they won't see me

felix: crouching doesn't make you invisible to the other team..

changbin: but it makes me feel stealthy

felix: i mean you do you i guess..

minho: just call him an idiot and make him switch why are you being so nice

felix: someone has to be yall are terrible

minho: you cant spell war with nice!!!

chan: hey!

jisung: you can't spell any 3-letter word with a 4-letter word it doesnt fit

minho: first of all, shut up smartypants no one asked

felix: except chan hyung

minho: second, THATS WHAT SHE SAID

_[collective groans from everyone, held-back laughter from jisung]_

changbin: chan hyung told me to run back to spawn cause he's not gonna heal me out of spite for eating his chicken sandwich the other day

hyunjin: i mean i would too

jisung: same

chan: see? my pettiness is valid

minho: CHANGBIN DID YOU JUST HOOK-SHOT THAT FUCKER? YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD

hyunjin: see? all you needed was to be talked down to and you can perform miracles

felix: i dont think that's how it works but good job on the shot!

changbin: thanksies

minho: i'm listening to two pansies eat each other's ass right now and i don't like it

hyunjin: WE ARE PAST THIS

 

 

**Saturday, 11:11PM**

changbin: ooh 11:11 make a wish

minho: i wish changbin would stop being so fucking gay all the time

jisung: what a coincidence that's my wish too

changbin: you guys are too much sometimes.. why do i put up with this

chan: cause you don't have any friends outside of us

felix: ouch

chan: i mean, it's the truth! what do you want me to say?

changbin: 11:11 i wish my friends were nicer to me

jisung: its already 11:13 try again tomorrow

minho: find new friends then

felix: i'm nice and a potential friend

changbin: imma be real with you chief, i forgot your name

felix: oh well fuck me then

minho: no such thing will be happening in my presence

hyunjin: so you can talk about eating ass all night but you draw the line here?

minho: i promised your parents a PG-friendly environment and i never go back on my words

hyunjin: there was that one time you swore you weren't the one that ate felix's lunch in the practice room and blamed it on me when i wasn't even there to defend myself

chan: you promised to watch AntMan with me but you went ahead and watched it by yourself a week later

changbin: you said it wasn't you giving my number away when you get asked for yours and up until now i still get messages asking if i'm you..

felix: you told me you'd pick me up yesterday but you forgot. i had to wait in campus til 7pm.

jisung: you don't even know my parents

 

 

**Sunday, 12:26AM**

chan: how is it midnight already

minho: time flies when you're having fun

changbin: i stopped having fun after the second time you made a 'that's what she said' joke

minho: it's a timeless classic

changbin: it isn't. it's tasteless

jisung: that's what she said

minho: SEE? he gets me. what's your name again?

jisung: i usually go by jisung, but you can call me tonight-

**— hyunjeans has been disconnected from the call —**

jisung: DID HYUNJIN JUST LEFT

minho: he was never able to handle this- you can't see it but im gesturing to myself

jisung: maybe the real pussy is hyunjin all along

**— hyunjeans is now connected in the call —**

hyunjin: i came back because felix said you were talking shit

felix: hello? tattletale some more bitch

changbin: what happened to being the nice one?

felix: my efforts were unappreciated so fuck it

chan: i can't keep up with the younguns anymore, i'm heading off to bed. see you guys on monday!

**— chan cena has been disconnected from the call —**

minho: its past you kiddies' bedtime, too.

felix: you're one singular year older than us

minho: does wittle baby fewix want me to tuck him in bed?

**— f(e)lex has been disconnected from the call —**

hyunjin: those who left first are the wise ones.

jisung: doesnt that make you an idiot

**— hyunjeans has been disconnected from the call —**

changbin: i don't want to be left alone with two monsters, i'm off

**— beanie has been disconnected from the call —**

minho: well well well

jisung: it all comes down to us, bob hyung

minho: you've been calling me 'bob hyung' the entire night, you know that's not my name right?

jisung: i prefer to be kept in the dark. this mysterious aura is sexy.

minho: does calling me 'bob hyung' turn you on?

**— jisus has been disconnected from the call —**

minho: i'll just take that as a yes and go

**— bob destroyer has been disconnected from the call —**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried my best not to have anyone mention minho's name and i did good mother  
> sorry for the lack of woojin, jeongin, and seungmin but next chapter they will be back!!  
> and yes, seungmin is still sick to those 0 of you concerned  
> 


	6. sorry to rain on your Charades *slaps knee*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You Can't Catch Me, Gay Thoughts

**— #satanic-circle —**

dril bot: THEY'RE COMING THEY'RE COMING

hyunjeans: who? the russians?

dril bot: no, much worse…. its seungmin

bob destroyer: OH GOD NO NO GOD PLEASE

uwujin: its 3am

uwujin: im muting this before i lose my head

bob destroyer: which head lol

uwujin: aaaaaand muted. goodnight

bob destroyer: NO COME BACK

dril bot: we should throw a welcome home party for him

bob destroyer: seungmin's gone, oh i miss him so! so, so much! ooooh i cry myself to sleep…

dril bot: or like not

bob destroyer: i'm ready for the real deal

hyunjeans: he's sick, right?

bot destroyer: yeah sick of you

hyunjeans: i dont even know him?

bob destroyer: BOOM ROASTED

dril bot: go to sleep minho hyung

bob destroyer: no one tells the president what to do

hyunjeans: what is the president to the president's wife

dril bot: bold of you to assume the president is a man

hyunjeans: bold of you to assume the president is straight

bob destroyer: wait im confused

bob destroyer: am i still the president?

 

 

 

**— thweewacha (3RACHA) —**

jisus: Straight Guy Worries He's Being Homophobic Towards Gay Roommate, Realizes He's Fallen In Love With Him

beanie: that's literally chan hyung oh my god

jisus: FUCK UR RIGHT

jisus: wasn't he going on and on about how his roommate would bring home his bf sometimes and how it was "inconsiderate" of him to do so while he was home lmao

chan cena: ugggghhh it's been a year let it go

beanie: let it go?? we had to sit through your shitty emo phase and constant complaining for the longest time

chan cena: we're literally sitting through yours as we speak

jisus: he aint wrong

beanie: which side are you on

jisus: the side where i'm not the one being ganged up on for once

jisus: how did that end up, btw? you two together yet?

chan cena: do i look like i got a boyfriend to you

jisus: i'll take the bitterness as a no lmao

beanie: listen hyung i know patience and loyalty are virtuous traits but, how should i say this…

jisus: grow a goddamn pair

beanie: thank you

chan cena: how did we end up on this topic of conversation

jisus: cause binnie's got a little crush

jisus: actually its more of a kink

jisus: but its cute to think of it as a crush

chan cena: im listening

beanie: there's nothing to listen to

chan cena: i'll be here, still listening….

jisus: he's got a voice kink

jisus: oh sorry i meant a voice crush

beanie: DONT SAY THAT it makes me sound like minho

jisus: the infamous minho has a voice kink?

beanie: i dont know he wasn't in the right head but i wouldn't put it past him. that guy's a weirdo

chan cena: im snitching

beanie: i have blackmail material you have no power over me

chan cena: i never get the respect i deserve for raising this family

jisus: binnie said, and i quote, "i literally came through my ears when i heard his voice"

chan cena: changbin wtf

beanie: and you wonder why i don't trust you with anything

jisus: chan hyung has the right to know! he raised us as a single father

jisus: you know, cause he never had the balls to confess lmao

chan cena: how could you hype me up only to bring me down

jisus: i dont want you to get all cocky

beanie: 100% more cock 0% balls

jisus: skfkfkflf FAV

jisus: but dont think i dont know what you're doing,, trying to avoid the topic of your crush

chan cena: does he have a name?

beanie: obviously

chan cena: then what is it???

beanie: uhhhh

beanie: i don't remember

jisus: see if this was some other time i woulda guessed you're just saying that to get rid of us

beanie: no i genuinely dont remember

 

 

 

**— #satanic-circle —**

bob destroyer: i dont want to be the one to say this but

bob destroyer: i miss seungmin

chan cena: aww, im so soft

uwujin: never announce that ever again

dril bot: righty tighty lefty softy

hyunjeans: i dont think that's correct

uwujin: btw i saw seungmin earlier on campus

bob destroyer: i know i said i miss him but this is too soon

uwujin: he was wearing bright orange boots and rainbow mittens

dril bot: you get sick for a week and suddenly you're a fashion disaster

hyunjeans: hold up did you say rainbow mittens??

hyunjeans: who would need that for

seungmeanie: homosexual jazz hands bitch

bob destroyer: there he is, the boy who lived

beanie: WE MISSED YOU!!!

bob destroyer: "we"? you french now??? speak for yourself

hyunjeans: that doesn't work in text

seungmeanie: there's literal evidence of you saying you miss me

seungmeanie: give me a hug, bring it here bro

bob destroyer: WHO IS THIS

bob destroyer: THIS ISNT SEUNGMIN

uwujin: you're overreacting

seungmeanie: woojin hyung, you've said that twice and both times had me ending up in prison

hyunjeans: holy shit you're a bigger badass than i thought

seungmeanie: the baddest and biggest ass there is

uwujin: you were never in prison

seungmeanie: I WAS A PRISONER IN MY OWN HOME YOU DONTK N OW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH

beanie: there's the seungmin we all know and love

bon destroyer: back with the 'we' shit no habla frénch bitch

hyunjeans: and there's the mingo we all wish would shut up

dril bot: a-fucking-men

seungmeanie: mingo

beanie: mingo

hyunjeans: i m using one hand

bob destroyer: ohohoho

beanie: ohohohohohoho

bob destroyer: dont try to one-up my ohohos B

seungmeanie: its natural to take care of your morning friend

seungmeanie: nothing to be ashamed about

hyunjeans: im going to class

seungmeanie: see ya later andy

hyunjeans: andy?

seungmeanie: and your favorite toy, Woody

dril bot: shouldn't have asked

hyunjeans: i'll keep that in mind next time

 

 

 

**— farquaad starsquad  —**

f(e)lex: i cant make it to practice today, just a heads up

bob destroyer: ooooh someone's got a date

f(e)lex: i have to visit my grandma at the hospital…

bob destroyer: oh,,

bob destroyer: i hope she gets better

chan cena: nice job minho

hyunjeans: nice going

bob destroyer: shUT UP

f(e)lex: don't worry, it's nothing serious. over-exhaustion and fatigue is all

chan cena: well take care of gma and take care on your way there

f(e)lex: yes daddy

chan cena: im just gonna pretend i didn't read that with my two seeing eyeballs

bob destroyer: you literally ask us to call you daddy sometimes

chan cena: AS A JOKE

f(e)lex: well guess what daddy

chan cena: stop i don't wanna hear it

f(e)lex: what are you gonna do? spank us?

bob destroyer: you may spank This ass

bob destroyer: Once

chan cena: go to the corner and think about what you've done

f(e)lex: nobody puts baby in the corner

 

 

 

**— private message: hyunjin & jisung —**

jisus: guess who i just saw

hyunjeans: you know i hate it when you ask me to guess something knowing i dont know what the fuck the answer is right

jisus: ass eater

hyunjeans: oh shit

jisus: wearing rainbow mittens

hyunjeans: wait What

jisus: what??

hyunjeans: rainbow mittens???

jisus: I KNOW i took pics

hyunjeans: and orange boots?

jisus: yeah

jisus: how' you know?? you saw him too?

hyunjeans: oh

hyunjeans: shit

 

 

 

**— private message: minho & seungmin —**

seungmeanie: why are my parents so old and stupid just

seungmeanie: leave me alone

bob destroyer: honor thy father and thy mother

seungmeanie: gargle my dick and my balls

bob destroyer: hard pass

seungmeanie: your loss

bob destroyer: what did they do?

seungmeanie: took a big load of crap on my head for missing classes

bob destroyer: you were sick

seungmeanie: no shit

seungmeanie: cranky. sorry

bob destroyer: no you're not

seungmeanie: well shit you got me there

bob destroyer: if you need help with the assignments you have to make up, just ask okay?

seungmeanie: fuck you for being nice

bob destroyer: oh i didn't say it was me you should ask

seungmeanie: you're an asshole

bob destroyer: takes one to know one babe ;)

 

 

 

**— private message: chan & woojin —**

chan cena: do you game?

uwujin: elaborate

uwujin: unless this is a pick-up line, then i dont know how to respond

chan cena: NO OVMYGOD

chan cena: i meant, do you play games?

uwujin: thank you for that hard rejection and clear explanation that didn't explain anything at all

chan cena: are you mad

uwujin: do you want me to be?

chan cena: NOOO

uwujin: im just kidding

uwujin: but my prof might be if he sees me not paying attention

chan cena: so long as you're paying attention to me

uwujin: i paid for this class so unless you're willing to pay for my tuition, then by all means

uwujin: distract me with your vagueness

chan cena: point: taken

chan cena: i'll leave you to your education

chan cena: keep educating

uwujin: shouldnt you also be in class

chan cena: i am, but distracted

uwujin: don't put the blame on me you texted me first

chan cena: guilty as charged

chan cena: i'll text you later ily

uwujin: ok

 

 

 

**— thweewacha (3RACHA) —**

chan cena: i want my casket to be made out of gold

chan cena: and for minho to lower me into the ground so he can let me down one last time

chan cena: i'm leaving my laptop to you binnie if you two ever make it big, throw me a shoutout in heaven

chan cena: i dont know what to leave for jisung but if any of my underwear fit you then its all yours

chan cena: throw the ones with holes

chan cena: or donate it to charity

beanie: slow the fuk down

beanie: what happened?>

chan cena: _screenshot.png_

beanie: you'll be missed

jisus: ILL TEXT YOU LATER ILY

jisus: THIS GUY IS SO SAVAGE

jisus: HE JUST SAI(UPSIES P) OK IM CRYING

jisus: hyung you are so ea

jisus: goamnit my still isnt working

jisus: my upsie p you know what im saying

beanie: get a new phone jisung

beanie: also i am so sorry for your loss chan hyung

beanie: just pretend you thought you were talking to your mom

chan cena: i cant

jisus: why not?

chan cena: cause he sent me another message after the "ok" but im too scared to check it

beanie: CHECK IT

jisus: who knows maybe it's an "ily2"

chan cena: you're not helping

chan cena: what if it's a "sorry i dont like dudes"

beanie: woojin hyung came out to us 2 years ago

beanie: your panicking is blocking the flow of your brain juices

chan cena: can i break my phone and pretend i didn't see the notification that he messaged me so we can all just put this behind us

jisus: you a broke college student you got no phone money

chan cena: i can be broker do you wanna see????

jisus: NOT THE POINT

jisus: ohmygohhooooo

beanie: be nice to him this is too much for his gay little heart to handle

beanie: wait i have a plan

jisus: bet it's no better than what i thought of

chan cena: im scared to hear either one...

 

 

 

**— private message: woojin & minho —**

uwujin: before anything else i need you to swear on your grandmother's grave that anything that is said in this room from this time onwards will be kept in secret and is never, ever to be discussed nor mentioned outside of this conversation

bob destroyer: under who's order

uwujin: mine, got a problem?

bob destroyer: No Sir.

 

 

 

**— private message: hyunjin & seungmin —**

hyunjeans: so it's been you all along

seungmeanie: i dont know the lyrics to this song but if i did i would have replied with it i swear

hyunjeans: for starters it's not a song

seungmeanie: a proposal then?

hyunjeans: have you ever played charades

seungmeanie: better at dodging questions than minho

hyunjeans: the student surpassed his master

seungmeanie: we can't do that through text

hyunjeans: i asked if you've ever played charades, not if you want to

seungmeanie: then yes. on both, if you want to

hyunjeans: cool and we've played before

seungmeanie: are you ok

seungmeanie: last time i played charades was at my uncle's funeral

hyunjeans: i honestly don't know what to say to that

seungmeanie: it means it's been literal years since i've played charades and i haven't even met you in person

hyunjeans: we kinda have

hyunjeans: indirectly

seungmeanie: go on

hyunjeans: twice, actually

seungmeanie: interesting

hyunjeans: you said uh well you played in charades that hmm

seungmeanie: you are wasting my time i could be using to sleep in class

hyunjeans: i cant do this in text

seungmeanie: then meet me at lunch

hyunjeans: or in person

hyunjeans: or ever

seungmeanie: you can't just not say anything after all that

hyunjeans: watch me

seungmeanie: i will find you, and when i do..

seungmeanie: you'll find yourself face first on the floor

hyunjeans: oooh, kinky ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do i only update at 3am? who fucking knows!


	7. hen young john

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chan continues to suffer, and suffer, and suffer some more

**— #satanic-circle —**

chan cena: i got added to this group for a project

chan cena: and its overwhelming how different it is from here

chan cena: the toxicity is at an all time low

chan cena: the professionalism is Real

chan cena: everyone respects each other

chan cena: it's like a breath of fresh air compared to a small bathroom with no ventilation after someone took a shit in it

seungmeanie: you created this hellhole fucking dickwad

dril bot: no one even wants You Here

beanie: why dont you marry them

bob destroyer: then fUCKIN LEAVE DAMN BITCH WE AINT STOPPIN U

chan cena: my point exactly

uwujin: they don't mean it the kids are just jealous

seungmeanie: i'm a grown ass adult

uwujin: you sure don't act like one

dril bot: WOOJIN HYUNG SNAPPED

beanie: WIG: SNATCHED

bob destroyer: DONT WORRY SEUNGMIN I'LL PICK UP YOUR WIG

uwujin: what

seungmeanie: OWIEEE MY FEEELINGGSSS WOOJIN HYUNG HURTIEDE

hyunjeans: what did i just walk into

dril bot: cyberbullying

hyunjeans: ah

uwujin: you guys are so fucking extra

seungmeanie: 

chan cena: we're a week in october

seungmeanie: i was sick so it doesn't count.

bob destroyer: you still are

seungmeanie: yeah OF YOU

bob destroyer: oh ouch you sure reached inside my mouth and down my throat to get tomy heart just to hurt my feelings

dril bot: don't be fooled by his dismissivity he's actually crying hard right now

hyunjeans: i dont think thats a word

beanie: so we're just going to ignore that ugly thing seungmin posted??

dril bot: you know i'm getting real tired of your entitlement to proper grammer

hyunjeans: grammar

dril bot: you pissing me off to the highest of pisstivity

seungmeanie: you know its real when jeongin starts making up his own words

dril bot: thin ice hwang hyunjin

hyunjeans: aw you remember my name

dril bot: thin ice hen young john

hyunjeans: ok now that wasn't even close

dril bot: i'll learn what you look like

dril bot: and when i do, you'll regret going against me

bob destroyer: here i have a photo of him

bob destroyer:

seungmeanie: you're uglier than i thought

chan cena: YOU CANT SAY THAT SEUNGMIN

chan cena: THATS MEAN AND YOU DONT MEAN IT

seungmin: what? yeah i do

chan cena: NO YOU DONT

hyunjeans: its alright hyung

hyunjeans: i won't get offended by someone who needs help from his mommy to dress him up properly

chan cena: YOU DONT MEAN THAT EITHER !! STOP !!

uwujin: why are you the one freaking out

chan cena: cause i would cry if someone says any of that to me

beanie: our chan hyung is so fragile

uwujin: that's cute

bob destroyer: like a eensie winsie wittle baby ugu

 

 

 

 

**— private message: jeongin & minho —**

dril bot: i need a proper photo than the one in the gc so i dont accidentally kick an innocent person's ass by mistaking them as hyunjin

bob destroyer: stop hanging around seungmin your violent streak almost surpasses his

dril bot: he lets me use his ipod in class

dril bot: and its always been there, deep in the Shadows

bob destroyer: in exchange for?

dril bot: nothing??? are you so old and cynical that you cant wrap your head around the idea of a friend lending another friend something without expecting anything in return????? >?

bob destroyer: if that friend is seungmin then yES??

bob destroyer: and why are you pm-ing me you coulda asked in the gc

dril bot: I DIDNT WANNA SOUND LIKE A STALKER

bob destroyer: you are what you eat

dril bot: This Is Why I Don't Message You Privately Often Because You Say The Weirdest Effing Shit

bob destroyer: did you just

bob destroyer: censor yourself

dril bot: i'm classy not cussy

bob destroyer: what about jussy (jean pussy)

dril bot: i just wANTED A GOSH DARN PICTURE OF MY VICTIM AND YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE I CAN ASK SINCE YURTHE ONLYD ONE WHO KNOWS HIM WHY DO I HJAVE TO GO THROGUH THIS I HATE IT I HATE MY LIFE

bob destroyer:

dril bot: wow , fuck

dril bot: thanks, ur the best hyung

bob destroyer: stay cussy

 

 

**— private message: seungmin & minho —**

bob destroyer: i dont know

seungmeanie: did you had a stroke after sending that its been 5 minutes

bob destroyer: what

bob destroyer: KSFKGK i didn't even know i sent that

seungmeanie: stop wasting my time

 

 

**— thweewacha (3RACHA) —**

chan cena: i kinda want to hear our friends' opinions on Double Knot before releasing it on our channel since woojin always complains about how friends should have early access to our shit

beanie: have you forgotten who are friends are and how brutal they are

beanie: also why dont you just send it to him privately??

chan cena: i cant!!! ((((causei haven't read his last message yet))))

chan cena: also they're nice when they need to be

beanie: which is when??

chan cena: when they know we're being sincere

beanie: i'll give you the Go but don't say i didn't warn you

beanie: remember minho and seungmin exist to probe on your deep insecurities and weaknesses

chan cena: i'm trying not to but thanks for the vote of confidence

 

 

**— #satanic-circle —**

bob destroyer: imma be real with you chief

chan cena: wait wait waitiiwisiwwai t dont hurt my feelings

seungmeanie: i would never do such a thing!

bob destroyer: unconvincing

chan cena: why is it just the two of you here

chan cena: literally the two people i so badly hoped wouldn't be here

seungmeanie: we are Gucci and you're looking for Walmart

chan cena: woojin is NOT walmart

seungmeanie: im sorry, you came here so i can insult your mixtape not your boyfriend gotcha

chan cena: I CAME HERE FOR SUPPORT AND MAYBE PRAISE FROM MY FRIENDS

seungmeanie: lets start with the title

bob destroyer: the title kinda reminds me of knotting

chan cena: i mean it is

bob destroyer: ???????????????????

bob destroyer: excuse me but did you just agree with what i said?

chan cena: it's a metaphor, but in a way yeah

seungmeanie: and this is why we're being mistaken as minho's furry troupe

chan cena: im so confused

bob destroyer: do you know what knot means

chan cena: when you tie something, right?

seungmeanie: correct

chan cena: im not stupid

bob destroyer: and that something is a Dick

chan cena: you lost me

seungmeanie: why do you know this

bob destroyer: common knowledge

seungmeanie: how is it common knowledge when you're the only person in here who knows this

hyunjeans: i kinda know what it is?

seungmeanie: poor is the pupil who does not surpass his master

dril bot: i know it too

seungmeanie: sure you do

dril bot: DEEZ KNOTS

dril bot: gotem

bob destroyer: i want to run to wherever you are right now and give you the world's best high five jeongin you beautiful bitch child

chan cena: and Not A Single Thing has been said about our music

hyunjeans: i listened to it in class and it was really good hyung

chan cena: !!!!!!!!!!!!

hyunjeans: it gave me the courage to check if my shoelaces were tied

hyunjeans: and they weren't

hyunjeans: you saved my life!

dril bot: Why , do u need courage for that?  ??

seungmeanie: braver than the us marines

 

 

**— thweewacha (3RACHA) —**

beanie: have you seen jisung

beanie: we were gonna have lunch together

chan cena: isn't he getting a new phone

beanie: with what money

chan cena: aint his money that's for sure

beanie: times like this makes me thing that we're the worst friends to have then i just look back at the other chat room and feel better about myself and my standing as a friend

beanie: speaking of social standing, how's it going with woojin hyung?

chan cena: aaaAAAAAAAKJGDLGFHJ

chan cena: meet me in 10 mins so you can open his message

beanie: this is your first step to Growing Some Balls

beanie: do it yourself

beanie: tho i can be there to hold your hand

chan cena: love you

 

 

**— farquaad starsquad —**

hyunjeans: im just a goth (gay moth) looking for his light bulb

bob destroyer: and there you have hyunjin's coming out story

f(e)lex: im Deceased

chan cena: its better than mine

bob destroyer: you never came out

bob destroyer: we all just Knew you were gay the moment we saw how you Looked at woojin hyung

bob destroyer: which was disgusting, btw

bob destroyer: oof finally got that off my chest

hyunjeans: oof

f(e)lex: you sound like a bitter 60 year old single lady with 6 cats

bob destroyer: i have 2 actually, get it right

f(e)lex: i was so close

chan cena: so does everyone know i have a thing for woojin….?

hyunjeans: well…... now we do

hyunjeans: i thought minho hyung was just fucking around cause you know, he's Minho

bob destroyer: offensive but valid

chan cena: Want2Die

f(e)lex: lets go out and get ice cream hyung

chan cena: woojin likes ice cream…

hyunjeans: oh no

f(e)lex: we can ask him to go with us?

bob destroyer: i'm on it

 

 

**— private message: woojin & minho —**

bob destroyer: do you wanna get ice cream with me

uwujin: no

uwujin: wait, what's the catch?

bob destroyer: replace the 'me' in my question with' chan hyung'

uwujin: did we not just recently had a talk about how he's avoiding me?

bob destroyer: and i already told you he isn't

bob destroyer: he Probably thought he already replied i do it all the time

uwujin: he hasn't even opened it

bob destroyer: maybe his phone broke

uwujin: aren't you messaging him?

bob destroyer: have you considered asking him in person?

uwujin: have you considered taking a bath in boiling hot water and drowning yourself in it?

bob destroyer: DONT TAKE OUT YOUR FRUSTRATION ON ME I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG

uwujin: you've also done nothing right

bob destroyer: i didn't come here to be BELITTLED for my EFFORTS into bringing this FAMILY TOGETHER

bob destroyer: i'll just say you'll go

bob destroyer: me and felix will be there so dont worry

uwujin: yet here i am, worrying even more

 

 

**— farquaad starsquad —**

chan cena: then i saw a guy in the library cry for five or so minutes and then his phone alarm went off and ??he just? stopped crying?? ? then he went right on back to work

chan cena: and that was the first time i saw changbin

bob destroyer: he said yes

chan cena: Want2Die 2: Electric Boogaloo

f(e)lex: oh god

f(e)lex: THANKS MINHO HYUNG

f(e)lex: do you know how long it took us to keep the topic away from his impending death ??

hyunjeans: we even listened to him justify putting milk before cereal and pretended to agree with it

chan cena: pretended…….

hyunjeans: sorry hyung there's just things in the world you're not supposed to do

hyunjeans: like put milk before cereal

bob destroyer: or directly biting into a kitkat bar without breaking it into sticks

f(e)lex: ..he did not

bob destroyer: oh felix but he did

chan cena: FINE i'll go

bob destroyer: you make it sound like you have any other choice

 

 

**— private message: hyunjin & seungmin —**

seungmeanie: did you pussy out on our afternoon charades

hyunjeans: i dont recall agreeing to it, so no

seungmeanie: man whoever shoved a stick up your ass really did a great job

seungmeanie: its soooooo far up there not even elastigirl could reach it

hyunjeans: why are you always talking about my Ass?

seungmeanie: excuse ?? me?? don't put that juju on me this is literally the First Time

hyunjeans: sure

seungmeanie: one word responses is my #1 pet peeve

hyunjeans: sure sure

seungmeanie: you know what

seungmeanie: there better be room for one more stick in there because When I See You,,

seungmeanie: note that i said when, not if

hyunjeans: you threaten me so much that i'm slowly looking forward to it

seungmeanie: i wasn't even done yet

hyunjeans: that's what she said

seungmeanie: you're dead meat, one hyungchin


	8. maybe Yeet will be our Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeet? Yeet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: there is too much Minho in this chapter

**— thweewacha (3RACHA) —**

beanie: i know you're smart so i wasn't going to ask this

beanie: but how do you plan on avoiding woojin hyung when you two live together

chan cena: hh

beanie: …

chan cena: i forgot

beanie: you forgot

chan cena: i forgot

beanie: you forgot

chan cena: I FORGOT

beanie: i'm sorry

chan cena: what it's not your fault

beanie: i'm sorry that i gave you too much credit you goddamn cretin

chan cena: hard words brain workn't big gay panic big uh oh

beanie: i know jisung hasn't been around but you don't have to make up for the lack of stupid he usually brings to the table

chan cena: IM GOING TO OPEN THE MESSAGE

beanie: before you panic

chan cena: TOO FUCKING LATE FOR THAT MATE

beanie: i really hope it's nothing huge like "lol"

chan cena: i will run myself over

beanie: i still have my hand to offer

beanie: minho's here too he said you can spank his ass

beanie: Once

chan cena: i hate him but i needed that so thanks

beanie: wait

beanie: so is that a yes to ass spanking

beanie: cause he's "buttering it up" dont ask what it means im literally watching him do it yet i still dont know what it means

 

 

beanie: chan hyung? are you on your way?

beanie: DONT LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THIS FRREAK

 

 

**— private message: woojin & chan —**

chan cena: KDKFKGGLLSLFKFAAAAAAKDKFK

uwujin: you're back

chan cena: not for long

uwujin: ominous

uwujin: hanging around the other demons too much

uwujin: when you could be hanging out with me

uwujin: which you are cause minho said so

chan cena: you know we could just buy a tub of ice cream and eat it at home?

chan cena: its cheaper too

uwujin: lordt

uwujin: you are the most unromantic person i've met in m y life

uwujin: even jeongin could afford ice cream

chan cena: thaTS NOT IT

chan cena: you're KILLING me

uwujin: no YOU'RE killing me

chan cena: guess we'll  both die then

uwujin: a lovers pact

 

 

 

**— thweewacha (3RACHA) —**

chan cena: pierce me with your chin so i may die in peace

beanie: if you came here for consolation you're not getting any after that bitch

chan cena: _screenshot.png_

beanie: YEET?

chan cena: YEET

beanie: YOU'VE BEEN STRESSING OVER YEET?????? HE RESPONDED WITH YEET????

beanie: this is the best thing to ever happen dhdkv i cant fucking believe jISUNG ISNT HERE FOR THIS WHY ISNT JISUNG HERE FOR THIS HOLYSHRT

chan cena: ]PULL THE FUCKDVING TRIGEGER BIGLET

 

 

 

**— private message: changbin & minho —**

beanie: you did something

bob destroyer: sorry but you got the wrong number

bob destroyer: this is minho not seungmin

beanie: i know you did something

bob destroyer: i literally have no idea what you're talking about

bob destroyer: again, this is minho not seungmin

beanie: there's no way in hell woojin hyung would use Yeet

beanie: ever

bob destroyer: people change

beanie: not overnight they dont

bob destroyer: #LetWoojinSayYeet

beanie: I KNOW YOU DID SOMETHING B

bob destroyer: ok fine you caught me i was the one who ate seungmin's pocky stack and blamed it on jeongin but in my defense jeongin drank my soda after i gave everyone a stern warning that there will be consequences so he deserved to be on seungmin's hitlist

beanie: you asked me to borrow chan hyung's phone earlier and did Something

bob destroyer: yeah?????? i checked my test score since i couldnt connect to the wifi

beanie: why didnt you borrow mine instead

bob destroyer: would you have let me????

beanie: valid point i wouldn't

beanie: for what class was your test

bob destroyer: math

beanie: you're not taking any math classes

 

 

bob destroyer: hyung i think we're gonna have to kill changbin he's asking too many questions

bob destroyer: woops wrong send sorry

beanie: Lee Minho

bob destroyer: do you mind? im trying to have a conversation here

beanie: What Did You Do

bob destroyer: *strained labored wheezing* hee……. hheee..

beanie: what the fuck

 

 

**— private message: woojin & minho —**

uwujin: i think im coming off too strong

bob destroyer: hyung i think we're gonna have to kill changbin he's asking too many questions

uwujin: ...not stronger than you tho tf

bob destroyer: also i think he Figured Us Out

uwujin: what did you do

bob destroyer: WHY IS EVERYONE BLAMING ME FOR THE THINGS I DID !!!!!!!

bob destroyer: oh

bob destroyer: i accidentally sent him the message i just sent you

uwujin: you had ONE job

bob destroyer: a job im not getting paid for

bob destroyer: my motivation = 0%

uwujin: what happened to the ₩10K that i gave you

bob destroyer: its in my stomach in the form of 2 boxes of fruit rollups

uwujin: fix this or i will gut you open and turn your intestines into roll-ups

bob destroyer: Yes Sir

bob destroyer: wait is that permission to kill changbin?

 

 

 

**— private message: changbin & minho —**

beanie: you made such a big mess

bob destroyer: i really didnt wanna say this but

bob destroyer: THATS WHAT SHE SAID

bob destroyer: BOOM

beanie: how hasn't anyone strangled you to death yet

bob destroyer: funny you say that

bob destroyer: coz im on my way to skeet the yeet outa yo shieet

beanie: english please

bob destroyer: since i'm the One nice friend that you have

beanie: already starting off with a false statement

bob destroyer: i'll let you in on a little secret project

bob destroyer: actual;ly nvm woojin told me not to tell anyone

bob destroyer: or mention his name FUCK so i fucked up already fuck my ass

beanie: spill it or i'm telling on seungmin

bob destroyer: sorry but woojin > seungmin we all know this

bob destroyer: i actually respect the guy

beanie: you Fear him. you dont Respect anyone that's just how you are as a person

beanie: also hyung's name on your phone is literally Bitch Baby

bob destroyer: he knows what he is

bob destroyer: anyway, since you already know Too Much when usually you know absolutely nothing, i'll Spill The Tea

bob destroyer: for a small fee of ,,,,₩10K

beanie: make it 5

bob destroyer: deal

**— bob destroyer changed his name to It Wasnt Me Officer —**

beanie: inconspicuous

It Wasnt Me Officer: wow big words that's actually Hot :P

beanie: GET ON WITH IT IM ON BORROWED TIME

It Wasnt Me Officer: it's a drawn out convoluted and complex grand scheme that The Great Moi has come up with which kind of worked? in a way?

It Wasnt Me Officer: i'll explain in a way a pleb like you would understand

It Wasnt Me Officer: ok so basically woojin hyung sent me a screenshot of his conversation with chan hyung and honestly? i didn't ask to read their obvious flirting it was disgusting i hated it but because i actually enjoy the prospect of being alive, i didn't say anything. btw chan hyung's slip up was a disgrace and i lost like 2% of the remaining 3% respect i have for him OH also woojin hyung was having this big Panicked Gay moment  it was hilarious wish you were there he was like "am i gonna have to get rid of the witnesses" then i told him he'd have to kill chan hyung if he did that then that's when he decided to get the help of an expert

It Wasnt Me Officer: just in case it wasn't clear: im the expert

beanie: expert in what, exactly?

It Wasnt Me Officer: were you not aware that my middle name is "Master Romancer" ???

**— It Wasnt Me Officer changed his name to Master Romancer —**

beanie: i am now i guess

beanie: actually something's been bothering me

beanie: why did he ask YOU of all people

Master Romancer: in his words he had "limited choices" but from my perspective, it's because i'm the best

beanie: so it was either jeongin, seungmin, or you. and he chose the lesser evil. smart.

Master Romancer: so there he was, begging and pleading and saying he'd do anything just so i'd help him out of the situation he dug himself in….

beanie: hyung threatened you didn't he

Master Romancer: shush little details like that aren't important

Master Romancer: i, the humble and kind man that i am, immediately agreed without any form of bribery or monetary exchange. you know me, i'm always happy to help a friend out. so i asked for him to hand me his phone once classes were done since i needed it to send a new message to chan hyung after i delete the original shit he sent

beanie: what did he send first? before you sabotaged everything

Master Romancer: sorry that information that isn't part of our contract. if you so badly want to know, it'll be extra payment

beanie: you're a worse swindler than seungmin

Master Romancer: don't you EVER imply that he was ever better than me

Master Romancer: i was on top of the swindlers' list

beanie: that joke is such poor taste and yet i cant bring myself to say "you're better than this"

Master Romancer: Where Was I

beanie: you were about to tell me what woojin hyung sent

Master Romancer: nice try Dickie Bitch

Master Romancer: but anyway, after i convinced him how chan hyung is the second biggest pussy i know, you being first, and that i'm 99% sure he doesnt have the balls to open the text he got from him, he finally gave up his phone

beanie: and that's when you used me to get chan hyung's phone so you could delete the message and send a new one, delete the notification but keep the text unread because you know he's too scared to even check the timestamp

Master Romancer: im sorry but are you telling the story??? this is a Monologue, not a Dialogue, C yourself out

beanie: but how did you know he'll look eventually?

Master Romancer: the ice cream date duh

beanie: what ice cream date?

Master Romancer: i set them both up to get ice cream later. chan hyung hates awkwardness more than anything so he'll most likely combust on the spot if woojin hyung asks him why he hasn't talked to him all day once they meet up

beanie: but why send "Yeet"

Master Romancer: i had to be quick about it and its the shortest word i could think of under pressure

Master Romancer: it was either Yeet or Yiff. the latter would have given my identity away

beanie: glad you acknowledge your standing as the token furry of the group

Master Romancer: shut the fuck up it's thanks to me that we won't have to gag at the sight of those two play musical chairs, looking for each other in the dark. i simply took off their blindfolds so they'd find their way to each other.

beanie: for one whole second there i almost believed you actually are a master romancer

beanie: then i remember you fell in love with someone whose name and face you dont know

 

 

**— private message: woojin & minho —**

Master Romancer: the changbin situation has been taken care of, Sir

uwujin: your name makes me want to believe otherwise

Master Romancer: how is the chan situation

uwujin: he's malfunctioning. maybe the change is too sudden?

Master Romancer: no if you're gonna hit him, hit him hard

Master Romancer: do it until you see his tiny balls grow and grow until its oversized and blue and explodes

uwujin: isnt that a bad thing

Master Romancer: not unless it explodes with his love for you

uwujin: dont even try to make it sound romantic because its not working

 

 

 

**— #satanic-circle —**

seungmeanie: so in the end i had to bury the body by myself

Master Romancer: i miss having my cats around

dril bot: aww

Master Romancer: cause they used to eat the cockroaches in the house but now i have to do it myself

dril bot: wait what

seungmeanie: thats fucking NASTY

hyunjeans: HYUNG EATS COCKROACHES? no wonder your breath stink

dril bot: HOLYSHIT

Master Romancer: you all know what i meant

hyunjeans: you made that very clear, roach breath

dril bot: why does it have to be roach breath

dril bot: why not cock breath

dril bot: oh

Master Romancer: i dont know how you could have possibly made everything about this cursed conversation worse but you did it

hyunjeans: shut up cock breath

hyunjeans: oh no i've been infected

seungmeanie: THE COCK BREATH VIRUS IS SPREADING EVERYONE COVER YOUR MOUTHS!!!

dril bot: is mouths the plural for mouth

hyunjeans: what did you think it was?

dril bot: many mouth

 

 

 

**— farquaad starsquad has been changed to help chan grow balls —**

hyunjeans: isnt this supposed to be the place where we talk about dance???

Master Romancer: shut up we're trying to eavesdrop

hyunjeans: you cant even hear me typing??

f(e)lex: shut up hyunjin

hyunjeans: chan hyung's in here too, js

Master Romancer: dont worry i can see him and he isnt checking his phone

hyunjeans: also why are you both here when you're together??

Master Romancer: so they wont notice us

hyunjeans: weren't you the one who ask him to go get ice cream?

Master Romancer: we managed to get them to sit in a different booth

f(e)lex: why do you have so much to say

f(e)lex: wait who's the hottie

Master Romancer: i've been sitting in front of you the entire time and you just noticed me now?

f(e)lex: sHUT THE FUCK

f(e)lex: duyde in blakc ogh o d

Master Romancer: ill just pretend you didnt call changbin hot

f(e)lex: which one was he again

Master Romancer: the one who kept sniping on top of the payload

f(e)lex: thats cute

Master Romancer: no it's not its not i could BARELY stand chan hyung and woojin hyung you're NOT doing this to me

hyunjeans: let our felix have a crush you bitter old hag

hyunjeans: im sorry i didnt mean that

hyunjeans: nope nvm yes i did

f(e)lex: chan hyung is so soft did you SEE THAT SMILE

f(e)lex: i melt

Master Romancer: you bounce back fast

f(e)lex: shut up a happy chan hyung is the only chan hyung who would pay for our bill

Master Romancer: oh dont worry about that

Master Romancer: a much happier woojin hyung already got us covered

f(e)lex: i love taking advantage of our friends' happiness

hyunjeans: you're both the worst

 

 

**— #satanic-circle —**

beanie: minho why the fuck are you here

Master Romancer: thats my line

dril bot: if you ever feel safe  just remember that i have so many teeth


	9. jisung's got a working d

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and they said romance is dead

**— #satanic-circle —**

Master Romancer: changbin get the fuck outta here you're gonna ruin everything

beanie: i didn't come here to do your job

dril bot: sick burn

seungmeanie: what are you dolts doing anyway

Master Romancer: spying on chan and woojin hyung's date

hyunjeans: its not spying when they both know you're there

Master Romancer: hyunjin has a lot to say today and that needs to be taken care of

dril bot: i'll get rid of him like popcorn stuck in my braces

beanie: hate to break it to you jeongin but you rarely take care of that

seungmeanie: remember the last time you had some stuck on the front of your braces?

Master Romancer: THAT SHIT WAS SO FUNNY

seungmeanie: chan hyung was panicking cause he didnt know how to tell you

seungmeanie: he even asked each of us what he should do to make it not sound invasive and offensive

seungmeanie: i think i told him to also get braces and eat broccoli until some big chunk gets stuck in there so jeongin wouldn't feel as bad when he finds out about the popcorn stuck in his braces

hyunjeans: wouldn't jeongin have found out about the kernel before chan hyung could get his teeth done?

seungmeanie: jeongin i thought you were gonna get rid of him???

dril bot: i don't have permission

Master Romancer: btw that was a terrible advice

seungmeanie: what was yours cock breath?

Master Romancer: i told him not to listen to whatever you told him and i was right

beanie: what did he end up doing?

dril: he talked to me about it like a normal person would

dril bot: he actually scared me with how serious he looked when he said he wanted to talk to me i thought he finally found out i've been sticking gum under the driver's seat of his car

hyunjeans: you've been what?

chan cena: Y O U'VE BEEN WaHAT?

Master Romancer: what are you doing here put down your phone you goddamn millennial

chan cena: woojin went to the bathroom its fine

uwujin: hi

dril bot: are you taking a piss while typing

seungmeanie: multitasking queen

Master Romancer: wig

uwujin: never say that again

uwujin: both of you

chan cena: can we go back to jeongin vandalizing my car with gum?

dril bot: nope next question

hyunjeans: how did you not notice anything?

chan cena: i don't necessarily cop a feel under my seat

hyunjeans: sorry i asked a valid and rational question

uwujin: why did you phrase it like that

seungmeanie: now you just made it sound sexual

chan cena: its a car

Master Romancer: no wonder you named your car,,, fucking freak

beanie: did you name it after woojin hyung lmao

Master Romancer: lmao

seungmeanie: lmao

hyunjeans: lmao

dril bot: lmao

uwujin: lmao

chan cena: this was a mistake

 

 

 

**— private message: chan & jisung —**

jisus: I got a new phone since my upsies own p keeps pissing me off.

jisus: Wait, I forgot the D works now.

jisus: Look it's the D!

jisus: How do I turn off the capitalization and auto correct?

jisus: Change hyun?

jisus: Change*

jisus: Stop that!

jisus: Help.

  


 

**— private message: changbin & jisung —**

jisus: guess who finally got a touchscreen phone its this guy except i miss the sound of my keypads and i dont know what half of the apps are for im already offended by the health app

beanie: dont worry you're not the only one

jisus: chan hyung hasnt been replying to my messages so i asked the old lady i met at the bus stop how to turn off autocorrect but she couldnt hear me properly so she ignored me

jisus: so i asked the bus driver instead but he was driving so he ignored me

beanie: people are ignoring you? shocking

jisus: so i got off the bus and got on a new one to take me back to the phone store

beanie: oh my god

jisus: but then i fell asleep and missed my stop so i had to walk for 20 minutes cause i dont have enough coins

beanie: i dont know if its the ice cream or you that's giving me a headache

jisus: BITCH you got ice cream without ME

beanie: you weren't here the entire day

jisus: bitch i was getting a new phone were you not paying attention

beanie: it took you 5 whole hours to pick a phone?

jisus: its going to be my lifetime companion of course i have to choose carefully

jisus: and maybe i spent 2 hours playing crossy road

beanie: why

jisus: and the other 2 hours changing every display wallpaper to my face

beanie: why 2: electric boogaloo

jisus: i scored 800 and had an audience behind me

jisus: granted they were all around 6-8yrs old…

beanie: glad you finally found friends your own age

jisus: who hurt you why are you so mean today

beanie: sorry not really

beanie: i'm still at the ice cream parlor if you want free ice cream courtesy of not me

jisus: what did you do to dupe chan hyung

beanie: oh it wasn't me. it was minho

 

 

 

**— help chan grow balls —**

Master Romancer: WE LOST SIGHT OF THE LOVEBIRDS I REPEAT

Master Romancer: WE LOST SIGH T OF THE LOVEBIRDS

hyunjeans: isnt it better that they're alone together

Master Romancer: no???? i need to be there?????

Master Romancer: get on with the program

hyunjeans: felix why aren't you supervising

f(e)lex: not on my job description

f(e)lex: besides  i only came here to get free ice cream

Master Romancer: bullshit for the past 5 minutes you've been practicing what you'd say when you "accidentally" bump into changbin

Master Romancer: why the fuck is he still here anyway

f(e)lex: im spiraling

Master Romancer: shut the fuck up you're 12

f(e)lex: im spiraling into a deep existential love coma and i need Him and only him to wake me up

hyunjeans: why is the second him not capitalized

Master Romancer: i'm not the one who needs supervision

hyunjeans: you're right you both do

f(e)lex: mayhaps im in love

hyunjeans: you dont know what love is

f(e)lex: love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench

f(e)lex: even if there is plenty of room at both ends

Master Romancer: myspace called it wants its glitterfy quote back

f(e)lex: i want him to get into my space

hyunjeans: how fucking dare you make me read that with my two seeing eyeballs

Master Romancer: i just stared into his eyes and didn't recognize them

Master Romancer: hyunjin this isn't the felix we sometimes love and know

Master Romancer: i can't believe im saying this towards someone who isn't seungmin but i'm currently sitting right next to the devil

Master Romancer: wAait holy fuck i just saw god

Master Romancer: _image.png_

hyunjeans: did you just take a pic of some dude's ass

Master Romancer: you know what they say

Master Romancer: behind every great man is me checking out that ass

hyunjeans: both of you needs to be dosed with holy water

Master Romancer: i need to be dosed…. with his love

hyunjeans: yall just going for it huh you dont eVEN KNOW THEM OR THEIR NAMES

f(e)lex: can you stop being homophobic for one second

 

 

 

**— private message: jisung & hyunjin —**

hyunjeans: where were you all day? i missed you in class

hyunjeans: disclaimer: i didn't ask because i'm worried, i asked because i don't want to be a suspect when they eventually find your body since they'll see how concerned and worried i am for your wellbeing and whereabouts.

hyunjeans: disclaimer: when i said "i missed you"i meant i didn't see you at all, not the gay shit "i missed you"

jisus: i get it you have repressed gay feelings for your best friend and you're too scared to let me know because i might turn you down

hyunjeans: h..how did you find out..

jisus: wait are you serious

hyunjeans: yeah but you're so popular i'll never have a chance ><

jisus: i mean i know im popular but its in the same way that bigfoot is popular

hyunjeans: what does that even mean

jisus: it's like everyone knows who bigfoot is but no one's ever been like "hey bigfoot wanna go out sometime?"

hyunjeans: you lost me

hyunjeans: i'm photocopied today's notes so ill just leave it at your door

jisus: wait are you serious

hyunjeans: unless you want me to chuck it in your mail slot??

jisus: i meant about liking me

hyunjeans: oh

hyunjeans: no lol you wish

 

 

 

**— private message: minho & changbin —**

Master Romancer: remember when i said i fell in love earlier

beanie: i wish i didnt

Master Romancer: well i'm over it and i love that for me

beanie: there's a reason why you're telling me this and i dont want to know what it is

Master Romancer: i found a new loml

beanie: who's the poor rebound

Master Romancer: _image.png_

beanie: that's just an ass

Master Romancer: aren't you an art major how could you not see this Masterpiece

Master Romancer: my loml seems lost

Master Romancer: do you think he's looking for me

Master Romancer: WAIT I WANT A RETAKE

Master Romancer: my loml seems lost, and so am I. lost...in his eyes

Master Romancer: should i talk to him

beanie: please, go ahead. embarrass yourself further

Master Romancer: im doing it

beanie: wait are you still here i dont see you

beanie: it was a joke dont actually traumatize this person

 

 

 

**— help chan grow balls —**

Master Romancer: do you think he's italian?

hyunjeans: how the fuck should i know

Master Romancer: cause i want a pizza that ass

f(e)lex: can i steal that one?

hyunjeans: for the love of gays no

Master Romancer: okay wish me luck

hyunjeans: goodluck?

Master Romancer: thanks, but i dont need it

hyunjeans: *?????? in caps lock*

hyunjeans: what is he doing now do i need to be there

f(e)lex: idk but maybe he's saying hi to jisung

hyunjeans: when the fuck did jisung get there

hyunjeans: i didnt know they met each other in person

f(e)lex: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

f(e)lex: from the look on his face i dont think they have either

f(e)lex: oh wait i just scrolled up and the pic he sent earlier is jisung

hyunjeans: what the fuck felix HAVE YOU NOT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION

f(e)lex: im sorry for being immersed in my own feelings bitch damn

f(e)lex: let me move closer so i can hear them

f(e)lex: and also cause they're closer to the hot guy lol

f(e)lex: he's wearing black and red plaid with sleeve warmers in the year of our lord and savior

f(e)lex: god is a man and i'm looking at him

hyunjeans: write this on your diary i dont want to read that shit

hyunjeans: whats minho hyung doing

f(e)lex: oGMYHFD FGI THINK HE'S HITTING ON HIM

f(e)lex: is this considered flirting

hyunjeans: DETAILS

f(e)lex: jisung's looking for something or someone idfk then he yawned

hyunjeans: too much unnecessary details

f(e)lex: and minho hyung was like "every time you yawn in october a ghost puts its dick in your mouth"

hyunjeans: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for 200 kudos! yall sexy  
> catch me on twt [@sk9dz](https://twitter.com/sk9dz) !!


	10. how many furry jokes are you gonna make op its been 10 chapters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the whole squad is HERE  
> gucci gang gucci gang gucci gang gucci gang

**— #satanic-circle —**

dril bot: i want mac n cheese my feet are so cold

hyunjeans: mac n cheese on your feet?

dril bot: mhh warm cheesey goodness sliding in between my toes sloshing sounds as i steppy steppy through the gooey goodness

hyunjeans: every move you make

dril bot: every bond you break

beanie: every step you take

hyunjeans: sounds like good pussy

chan cena: ILL BE WATCHING YOU

chan cena: oh

Master Romancer: I walk around like everything is okay... but deep down. I Want Huge titties in my mouth

seungmeanie: I Felt That

uwujin: sit your gay asses down

dril bot: still waiting on that mac n cheese

hyunjeans: *tips fedora* m'acncheese

Master Romancer: so in conclusion, he had 6 figures when he was only four

dril bot: SO MUCH MONEY I CANT SEE THE FLOOR

Master Romancer: I DONT EVEN OPEN MY OWN DOOR

chan cena: its true he doesn't

chan cena: he has a rope tied to his door knob so he can open it from his bed

uwujin: that's lazy

dril bot: that's genius

seungmeanie: am i on an acid trip what's going on

beanie: nah minho's just in denial over what happened yesterday

Master Romancer: how can earth be flat if my life is continually going downhill

beanie: he's even denying his own beliefs

seungmeanie: i still Don't Know what happened

Master Romancer: ignorance is bliss

seungmeanie: no i wanna get in on everyone teasing u

Master Romancer: I Cannot Be Teased

Master Romancer: the only thing thicker than my skin is yours

chan cena: did you just call seungmin's [redacted] thick

uwujin: redacted? really? what are we 5?

dril bot: im 5 i'm still cold and  i just want my mac n cheese

Master Romancer: you know who i feel bad for

chan cena: your future kids?

beanie: your parents?

seungmeanie: literally anyone who has to deal with you?

Master Romancer: NO

Master Romancer: i mean yes, but no

Master Romancer: i feel bad for anyone who has to buy cobwebs and rats and bats and a lady who hangs around the kitchen to decorate their houses with for halloween when i got all that shit for free

chan cena: rats??? i thought you only had cockroaches

seungmeanie: those are still disgusting

hyunjeans: cost efficient

uwujin: i thought we already went over the fact that it was jeongin that's been sneaking in your kitchen

Master Romancer: i still got him for free

dril bot: can i come over do you have mac n cheese

Master Romancer: get rid of the rat and i'll cook you some

dril bot: what if i want them to multiply instead

hyunjeans: are you insinuating you'll make rat babies

beanie: takes one to make one

seungmeanie: i still feel like im on an acid trip

hyunjeans: btw should i add jisung here

beanie: NO

seungmeanie: Yes

**— f(e)lex has been added to the chat —**

seungmeanie: is that him

Master Romancer: no its my life support

hyunjeans: welcome to minho hyung's furry troupe

f(e)lex: omg is this really the infamous furry troupe?

seungmeanie: here we Go again

dril bot: why do you need a life support

**— jisus has been added to the chat —**

Master Romancer: cause im always thinking one step ahead

jisus: like a carpenter that makes stairs

Master Romancer: i like how we finish each other's

jisus: construction analogies

Master Romancer: im swooning

hyunjeans: and im about to start swinging

seungmeanie: should have burned this place down when i had the chance

jisus: you have two skillful carpenters that would only build this place back up

seungmeanie: not unless they die by fire

dril bot: is that a threat

Master Romancer: thats hot

jisus: that's Hot

jisus: literally

Master Romancer: literally

Master Romancer: shut UP before i kiss you

f(e)lex: i just got here but can i leave already

hyunjeans: this backfired so fast what have we done

seungmeanie: i am going to barf in my mouth

beanie: i knew this was a mistake before it even happened

dril bot: thats what your mom said when she had you

f(e)lex: OHMY FUCKING GOD???????

hyunjeans: HPLYSHTI

Master Romancer: YOU CAN HAVE ALL MY MAC N CHEESE AND RAT BABIES

uwujin: JEONGIN NO

dril bot: i'm a Savage… I'm a Maverick..

beanie: and I'm crying myself to Sleep tonight..

 

 

 

**— private message: seungmin & hyunjin —**

seungmeanie: fill me in

hyunjeans: what did we say about keeping our kinks to ourselves

seungmeanie: fuck

seungmeanie: my bad

seungmeanie: but seriously

hyunjeans: i wasnt physically there and felix was probably overreacting too but long story short, minho hyung tried hitting on jisung without knowing it was him then when changbin hyung told him, he bolted outside to his car and drove off

seungmeanie: "you cant catch me, gay thoughts"

hyunjeans: exactly

seungmeanie: Interesting

seungmeanie: minho's first panicked gay moment and i wasn't there to take it all in

hyunjeans: you're a terrible friend

seungmeanie: oh god no minho isn't my friend

hyunjeans: mhm

seungmeanie: ...oh god no minho's kinda my friend

hyunjeans: did you really just realize that now

seungmeanie: i need a Moment

 

 

 

**— private message: seungmin & minho —**

seungmeanie: spill the tea sis

Master Romancer: okay james charles

Master Romancer: i'm shy

seungmeanie: you were flirting with each other a second ago

Master Romancer: as a joke

seungmeanie: also what happened to your thick skin

Master Romancer: i'm Shedding

seungmeanie: like the snake you are

Master Romancer: i've never had a crush before

seungmeanie: so it's a crush

Master Romancer: i dont know man he's got a nice ass

seungmeanie: hyunjin says its flat

Master Romancer: you know me, i like bones

seungmeanie: right now i wish i didnt

Master Romancer: what should i do

seungmeanie: have you forgotten that my sole reason for existing is seeing you suffer

Master Romancer: minnieeeeee~~~

seungmeanie: gross bye

Master Romancer: ur right

Master Romancer: why am i asking someone who's devoid of emotions

seungmeanie: Bitch

seungmeanie: you can't use my spitefulness and desire to prove you wrong as a weapon to force me to help you with your gay crush

Master Romancer: i didn't expect anything from you anyway

seungmeanie: fuck you we're getting you a boyfriend

 

 

 

**— private message: jisung & hyunjin —**

jisus: maybe i should have said something clever then he wouldn't have ran away

hyunjeans: anything you say would make anyone run the other direction

jisus: i really appreciate your support

hyunjeans: any time babe

hyunjeans: okay but for my own entertainment, what would you have said in response to whatever the fuck minho hyung spouted

jisus: sour patch kids implies sour patch sex

hyunjeans: im not kidding when i say this but he probably would have made out with you then and there

jisus: thats gross

hyunjeans: hello??? gay jesus didnt die for you to be on some het shit

jisus: i didnt mean it that way

jisus: i meant not everything has to be Gay

hyunjeans: first of all, yes it does

hyunjeans: second, did he or did he not hit on you

jisus: cause we didnt know each other

hyunjeans: did you or did you not just had gross pda the moment you entered the gc

jisus: friends joke around

hyunjeans: you said you dont know each other

jisus: you said you were in love with me

hyunjeans: Fair

hyunjeans: also didnt you guys met before?

jisus: when he was wearing that giant suit and blocking the infirmary

hyunjeans: no you've played with him once

jisus: im pretty sure i'd remember if i did

hyunjeans: he called you a noob

hyunjeans: well a boob cause he's illiterate

hyunjeans: then it became bob

jisus: THE INFAMOUS LEE MINHO IS BOB HYUNG?

hyunjeans: on god this is gonna be exhausting

 

 

 

**— private message: chan & woojin —**

uwujin: i never thought i'd say this but thank you minho for distracting everyone from asking about our date

chan cena: who was it that kept denying it was a date?

uwujin: it wasn't one until we left

uwujin: i didnt want our first date to have those monkeys hanging from our shoulders uwu

chan cena: is that an unironic uwu

uwujin: uwu

chan cena: it's thanks to them that we actually went on one tho

uwujin: dont give them too much credit

uwujin: those nosy pricks cost me a lot

chan cena: i told you to split the bill

uwujin: it was an ice cream shop do you know how embarrassing that would have been

chan cena: dkgljdfhdf

chan cena: its probably nothing compared to whatever the heck happened after we left

chan cena: changbin said there were talks about ghost dicks

uwujin: you said heck thats cute

chan cena: stttttttoppppp itttttt uwu

chan cena: go to sleep its late

uwujin: okay but i'll be dreaming about you

chan cena: aww

uwujin: and how you looked like you wanted to kiss me before i went in my room

chan cena: STOTOTTOPPDKD

chan cena: how'd you know

uwujin: i could see your shadow pacing back and forth from inside it was really cute

chan cena: im never leaving my room ever again goodnight

 

 

 

**— private message: jeongin & hyunjin —**

dril bot: mac n cheese

hyunjeans: are good

dril bot: i sent this to everyone and you're the only one who replied to my

hyunjeans: text?

dril bot: see they're not the only one who finishes each other's

hyunjeans: unhealthy midnight craving

dril bot: thankfully seungmin isnt here to vomit all over us

hyunjeans: its weird but i can hear him in my head

hyunjeans: and i dont even know what he sounds like

dril bot: you're one of the lucky ones

dril bot: just think of someone nasally and put the voice over his face

hyunjeans: ok done but i think it only made it worse

dril bot: what voice did you choose

hyunjeans: squidward's

 

 

 

**— #satanic-circle —**

beanie: hey minnie are you throwing a party this halloween

seungmeanie: stop calling it a party when its just you guys making a mess at my house

hyunjeans: i heard someone say party

seungmeanie: no one invited you

hyunjeans: i invited myself

jisus: he's rich

seungmeanie: oh well then that changes everything

seungmeanie: i cordially invite you

hyunjeans: yay

seungmeanie: to suck my dick

Master Romancer: NICE

beanie: there are KIDS IN HERE

dril bot: dont worry chan hyung's already sleeping

dril bot: its past his bedtime

beanie: im talking about you

hyunjeans: am i still invited

seungmeanie: sure if you dress up as a wolf

jisus: is this an initiation to enter the furry troupe

beanie: no initiations im triggered

Master Romancer: did someone say furry

jisus: yiff yiff

f(e)lex: yiff yiff

hyunjeans: WE ARE NOT DOING THIS

**— #satanic-circle has been changed to #Minho'sFurryTroupe —**

Master Romancer: okay i know what yall are thinking but it wasnt me that changed the group name

hyunjeans: who are you gonna blame? the ghost in your kitchen?

dril bot: it wasnt me

jisus: the Moment you lie, you see a shark fin swimming towards you

Master Romancer: oh no

jisus: just kidding it's a boy wearing a shark fin hat

Master Romancer: thank god

jisus: and he's riding a shark

Master Romancer: oh no

f(e)lex: sharks dont have fur

beanie: is that really our #1 concern here

f(e)lex: is he riding the shark on a saddle or flesh to scales

beanie: thank you for bringing up a valid point. in this essay I will

hyunjeans: bears are scarier than sharks

seungmeanie: but they cant swim and it beats the whole purpose of the fear of seeing a shark's fin above water

hyunjeans: but what if you were in a forest

seungmeanie: unrealistic but go on

hyunjeans: so is a kid riding a shark realistic to you?????

jisus: if a bear ever attacks you, the best course of action is to play dead

dril bot: unless it's Dave, the Necrophilic Bear

Master Romancer: Dave, short for Davniel

f(e)lex: Davathan

seungmeanie: Davetthew

beanie: Daveward

jisus: Davchael

hyunjeans: David

hyunjeans: wait

Master Romancer: wait

jisus: oh

Master Romancer: LMAO

dril bot: excuse my french but fUCK just happened

Master Romancer: yes the rumors are true

Master Romancer: we're dumb bitches

f(e)lex: our one shared brain cell: Gone

jisus: never existed

seungmeanie: we're all fucking stupid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shameless promo for the new drabbles i wrote [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/minjisung/works) !! leave many many comments, drag me, snatch my wig, simply leave feedback, anything.


	11. happy hawwoween evewybone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jeongin is slowly becoming a cryptid and changbin learns how hard saying no to felix is.

**—** # **Minho'sFurryTroupe —**

beanie: how about we go to a haunted house

dril bot: do i look like i got spending money

beanie: its like what $60?

dril bot: if i pay $60 for a haunted house i better die

hyunjeans: if i die close to halloween feel free to use my corpse as a prop

jisus: are you Ok

seungmeanie: i can arrange both of those for free

dril bot: my death isn't cheap

seungmeanie: you just wagered it for $60

dril bot: i know what i said

beanie: what about a maze?

uwujin: i'll ready the missing child poster for each and every one of you

dril bot: hyung you got lost in a thrift store

uwujin: arianagrande_whataboutit.jpg

f(e)lex: are you guys dressing up?

hyunjeans: what are we 12

Master Romancer: yes

Master Romancer: to both question

**— Master Romancer changed his name to minhostein —**

seungmeanie: oh wow

seungmeanie: are you dressing up as einstein so you'd feel smart for once in your life?

seungmeanie: you already got the big forehead, receding hairline and wrinkles down

chan cena: i think it's supposed to be frankenstein's monster

beanie: is that how you spell it

minhostein: hello? is no one gonna defend me?

chan cena: i think so

jisus: o my name is already spook season

hyunjeans: you've had it since august

jisus: i like to plan in advance

seungmeanie: that has the same energy as minho putting up christmas lights the minute halloween is over

minhostein: up on the rooftop click click click

**— chan cena changed his name to vamp chan —**

seungmeanie: im gonna chop off chan hyung's d*ck

dril bot: oh no not his rubber ducky!!!!

seungmeanie: shut up for once child

vamp chan: i vanna zuck yerr b'lood

uwujin: are you a vampire or a pirate make up your mind

vamp chan: whichever you find hotter ; )

f(e)lex: grOSS

beanie: since when did you grow balls to flirt in public

vamp chan: since i stored enough pee in it

f(e)lex: let me reiterate: grOSS

hyunjeans: thats the scariest thing i read

minhostein: ill only let a vampire suck my blood if they suck it through my toes ill see who REALLY wants they juice

hyunjeans: i stand corrected

uwujin: its times like this that makes me wish noah never built that ark

dril bot: same

hyunjeans: please elaborate on what that "same" is referring to

dril bot: i'm a man of Mystery

vamp chan: i suddenly dont want to be a vampire anymore

seungmeanie: how are you gonna be both the token furry and toe sucker

minhostein: its called multitasking

jisus: Stan Talent !

minhostein: my one (1) fan…….

vamp chan: what are you gonna be woojin

uwujin: i'm gonna go out of my comfort zone this year and dress as someone who has reasonable reactions to everyday situations

vamp chan: thats…

beanie: it suits you

uwujin: thanks

dril bot: what should i dress up as

dril bot: i want to be the Scariest,

hyunjeans: yourself lol

dril bot: Rude but true

dril bot: during winter i sometimes sneak in minho hyung's place to turn off the thermostat

minhostein: what the fuck jeongin

seungmeanie: thats!!!! my!!!! fucking!!!! boy!!!!

hyunjeans: how badly has he Hurt you

dril bot: enough

hyunjeans: Understandable

minhostein: a whole seungmin exists and you're gonna make me out to be the bad guy

dril bot: seungmin gives me food and lets me borrow his rich people stuff

minhostein: i drive you to school?????????

vamp chan: no i do that

dril bot: chan hyung drives me what

minhostein: i drive you to school when chan hyung isn't here????

vamp chan: i'm always here though

minhostein: silence Thot!!!!

f(e)lex: how come you never drive me >:(

vamp chan: im busy giving jeongin a ride >:)

minhostein: how come no one asks me for rides >:(

seungmeanie: you said no when i did

minhostein: it was 3am and you wanted me to drive you to the convenience store for pudding packs

jisus: sounds valid to me

minhostein: you're supposed to take my side

jisus: would you give me a ride at 3am for pudding packs?

minhostein: i'll deliver them to you myself so you don't have to go out

seungmeanie: this is seungminphobic and extremely gay

beanie: so about that haunted house

seungmeanie: i thought we were spending the 31st at my place

seungmeanie: it was your idea too

beanie: so that's a yes on the haunted house then

seungmeanie: what are you trying to say

seungmeanie: choose Your Words

vamp chan: didn't you say your mom saw a girl in a nightgown in the middle of the night

f(e)lex: …….

f(e)lex: hey my parents just called she said i cant hang out with you guys anymore

minhostein: look

minhostein: she probably just saw seungmin

seungmeanie: why would i be wearing a nightgown

minhostein: cause you're You

dril bot: or it could have been me

hyunjeans: remind me to always lock my doors and windows….

jisus: anyone who tries to get in your house will be caught dead by your dog

hyunjeans: kkami's my guardian angel

hyunjeans: but n e way whats up with you and breaking and entering

dril bot: old habits die hard

uwujin: that..doesn't work in this situation

hyunjeans: try saying that in front of the police and see where it lands you

dril bot: i just said it COULD have been me, but it could have been a ghost idk

seungmeanie: wh

seungmeanie: but you've broke in my house before?

dril bot: was i the person your mom saw? no

seungmeanie: Answer the Question, Jeongin

dril bot: ……………..mayhaps

minhostein: hey quick question how come you admitted into stealing food from my fridge but you're having a hard time saying it to seungmin

dril bot: cause he's my Precious friend

minhostein: what the fuck am i

dril bot: everyone in here wants to know the answer to that, too

beanie: he isn't wrong

uwujin: mhmmm

vamp chan: every single day i wonder…

minhostein: hey fuck u guys

seungmeanie: at least he isn't a goddamn kleptomaniac

minhostein: thank you

dril bot: I WAS OUT OF MILK FOR MY CEREAL AND THE CONVENIENCE STORE WAS CLOSED AND YOUR HOUSE WAS THE CLOSEST TO IT

dril bot: chan hyung drove me there

dril bot: practically egged me to take your milk

dril bot: i'm an easily impressionable child…. i just do what the adults tell me...

vamp chan: HE'S LYING YOUR HONOR

vamp chan: well..

vamp chan: it was either that, or he would have made me drove farther and i didnt had gas money that time

vamp chan: plus he kept complaining in the car it was driving me insane

jisus: driving you insane lol i get it cause you're in the car

seungmeanie: don't go to my house tomorrow without a carton of milk

vamp chan: THIS HAPPENED 2 YEARS AGO

seungmeanie: NO MILK NO ENTER

minhostein: it feels so good to not be the one on the other end of seungmin's argument for once

 

 

 

**— private message: jeongin & hyunjin —**

hyunjeans: how'd you do it

dril bot: break in their houses? its pretty easy

hyunjeans: NO SDJGHDF

hyunjeans: i mean

hyunjeans: how did you get out of being blamed for something you obviously did

dril bot: oh thats simple

dril bot: just have an accomplice you can always outsmart and manipulate into doing what you want

hyunjeans: that's so Evil…

hyunjeans: and i have jisung so whats next

dril bot: be irresistible and cute

hyunjeans: i got that one down too

dril bot: yeah?

dril bot: ….you really are minho hyung's apprentice

hyunjeans: ...is that what he calls me

dril bot: no but you just have that Aura

dril bot: that awakens my violent tendencies every time you open your mouth

hyunjeans: PLEASE I'M NOT THAT BAD

dril bot: you called yourself irresistible and cute

hyunjeans: so did you

dril bot: cause I AM

hyunjeans: well SO AM I

dril bot: i'll believe it when i see it

hyunjeans: guess you'll believe it tomorrow night

dril bot: wait

dril bot: are you hitting on me

hyunjeans: what? you're going to the halloween party right?

dril bot: oh

dril bot: yeah

hyunjeans: then we'll see each other

dril bot: we'll see

 

 

 

**— private message: jeongin & minho — **

dril bot: how do you do it

minhostein: the reason why i dont want to have kids is because i never ever want to have this talk but here you are, asking me anyway

dril bot: ohmygod

dril bot: you make me want to die

minhostein: i feel the same way rn

minhostein: uh………….. do you still want me to explain….

dril bot: NO STOP TALKING

minhostein: but you came to me???????

dril bot: im not asking you how to Do It, i meant how do you do it

minhostein: do WHAT

dril bot: say the dumbest thing and not be embarrassed by it

minhostein: oh no did baby jeongin do a dumb dumb?

dril bot: remind me to never ask you about anything ever again

minhostein: wait come back i have the answer to your problems

dril bot: I'm Listening

minhostein: i got nothing

minhostein: i didn't think that'd work lol

 

 

 

**— private message: jisung & hyunjin —**

jisus: hey ;)

hyunjeans: i'm not matching costumes with you

jisus: WHY NOT

jisus: we did it last year

hyunjeans: yeah no

hyunjeans: catdog was atrocious

jisus: we won the costume party tho

hyunjeans: then you kept the trophy for yourself

jisus: IT WAS MY IDEA

hyunjeans: WITHOUT ME YOU WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN CAT

jisus: fair point

jisus: but match with me again

hyunjeans: as Who

jisus: hansel and gretel

hyunjeans: i call hansel

jisus: BUT I ALREADY HAVE HAN IN MY NAME

hyunjeans: then Perish

 

 

 

**— private message: jisung & minho —**

minhostein: [ _attachment sent]_

jisus: is this yours?

minhostein: no it's seungmin's

minhostein: you're going to the party right?

jisus: yeah !!

jisus: oh he lives near me

minhostein: oh shit that's great then

minhostein: i need a hideout for when i egg his scooter and tp his house

jisus: you really are 12

jisus: but you're welcome to drop by

jisus: you'll find me at the bright blue apartment building two blocks away

minhostein: that's where chan and woojin hyung are too!!

jisus: yeah!! they room above me, i think(???) im on the second floor

minhostein: 2nd floor

minhostein: wait

minhostein: wait

minhostein: so you're directly below them?

jisus: yeah i talk to chan hyung through the window sometimes but we get yelled at for being too loud

minhostein: did you , by chance ,,, had Rocks thrown at your window before..?

jisus: HOW DID YOU KNOW

minhostein: ohmygod ohmohm  gofd

minhostein: what did you do then??

jisus: i called the cops

 

 

 

**— help chan grow balls —**

minhostein: SOUND THE ALARM

hyunjeans: what is it this time

minhostein: I'M IN FUCKING LOVE

f(e)lex: do we even want to ask

minhostein: i'm Shaking

minhostein: h.. he singlehandedly DESTROYED seungmin's entire WEEK without even knowing it…

minhostein: his Power….. i'm shaking.gg..

f(e)lex: i don't understand but i'm happy for you hyung!!!

hyunjeans: i'm too tired to comprehend what any of that means

hyunjeans: it's almost 1am go to sleep hyung

minhostein: i'm too gay to sleep

 

 

 

 **—** # **Minho'sFurryTroupe —**

f(e)lex: cheap and easy diy halloween costumes

f(e)lex: oh shit this aint google

beanie: that's what you're doing at 3am?

f(e)lex: i napped longer than i thought and now all the stores are closed  (*/_＼)

f(e)lex: what are you doing up?

beanie: i've been trying to get razor blades in these raisins

f(e)lex: ..is it safe to assume that's a joke

beanie: you'll find out tomorrow at the party

f(e)lex: good thing i'm allergic to raisins (ノ*°▽°*)

beanie: that's the excuse everyone who doesn't like raisins use all the time

f(e)lex: you got me..

beanie: it was only a joke

beanie: but you know what isnt?

beanie: last last last year seungmin dropped a scoop of ice cream on some kid's basket so the kids behind him would see it and leave

f(e)lex: h olysh it

f(e)lex: i would be scarred for life

beanie: that's when we started hanging around his house for halloween

beanie: he's terrible at dealing with kids

f(e)lex: i gained a piece of lore about minho hyung's furry troupe's backstory

beanie: lmao now you only have to collect a thousand more

f(e)lex: tell me more then

f(e)lex: about yourself, this time (ᵔ.ᵔ)

beanie: im pretty boring though

f(e)lex: i'll be the judge of that

 

 

 

**— private message: felix & changbin —**

beanie: hey

beanie: sorry if this is weird for you

beanie: i just know one of them will complain about their notifications when they wake up

f(e)lex: my bet is on minho hyung

beanie: i'll bet your costume on woojin hyung

f(e)lex: i didn't agree to this (⇀‸↼‶)

beanie: wrap yourself in toilet paper

f(e)lex: so you're telling me to go as a mummy

beanie: it's convenient. you get a costume, and we get a human mop for all the mess that'll inevitably happen

f(e)lex: you're terrible

f(e)lex: you had me Fooled thinking you were the nice one ٩(๑`^´๑)۶

beanie: here's a second piece of lore: no one's the nice one

f(e)lex: is the third lore you being a great songwriter?

beanie: where'd you get that from

f(e)lex: minho hyung

f(e)lex: there's those 0.43344 out of 342395 moments where he talks fondly of his high school friends

beanie: i mean

beanie: i Am pretty great i guess

f(e)lex: glad to be part of this humbling experience for you

beanie: SDJKGDSG IM KJUST KIDDING PLS

beanie: i can't be where i am without jisung and chan hyung

beanie: they're the great ones

f(e)lex: i'm sure they'd say the same about you!!!

f(e)lex: hey

beanie: hmm?

f(e)lex: if i actually show up wrapped in toilet paper will you let me listen to your songs?

beanie: no

f(e)lex: ….o(〒﹏〒)o

f(e)lex: (｡╯︵╰｡)

f(e)lex: (╥﹏╥)

beanie: ...FINE

f(e)lex: YAY ♡ ～('▽^人)

 

 

 

**— thweewacha (3RACHA) —**

beanie: question

beanie: when the FUCK did emojis become so cute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to get this out before halloween but Maybe i let chan down and procrastinated,,,  
> n e way, hope everyone had a nice halloween!! eat candies responsibly !!


	12. april fools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thought i'd give you guys a little treat to celebrate the fooling of aprils and skz's latest comeback! these are basically drafts i've compiled altogether, so it doesn't really follow along a specific timeline, nor does it take place in a specific point in the plot. treat them like they're behind the scene footage lmao. ALSO, i haven't updated in so long that i don't remember everyone's usernames so i used their names instead, so i hope you don't mind that.

**— farquaad starsquad —**

hyunjin: what do i do

hyunjin: jisung's hyperventilating

chan: over what? is he okay?

minho: tell him to stop breathing so hard bitch im not selling ass

chan: what the f word is wrong with you

minho: a lot of things actually. though, i try to mask it under the false pretense of joking around as a coping mechanism, as not to dampen the mood of our lively group chat but thanks for bringing it up

chan: minho, i'm sorry… i only meant it as a joke

minho: your face is a joke

minho: GOT EM

hyunjin: hello??? jisung is literally dying??

  


 

**— private message: felix & changbin —**

felix: hey hyung

felix: where are you right now

changbin: you know just walking around, contemplating my failure

felix: great. wanna grab lunch, maybe?

felix: wait

felix: i didn't mean great at you being a failure

changbin: wow

felix: you're not a failure !!!

felix: you're valid !!!!!

changbin: its too late……………..

changbin: you're  gonna have to make it up to me by paying for lunch……

felix: i can live with that. courtyard in 10?

changbin:  (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ

felix: did you just

changbin: so you can use it without judgement but i cant??

felix: no judgement. just think it's cute. ♡ ～('▽^人)

  


 

**— thweewacha (3RACHA) —**

chan: my mom wants me to go to my cousin's wedding

chan: and woojin is out of town

chan: so

changbin: no

jisung: hard pass

  


 

**— # Minho'sFurryTroupe —**

chan: my mom wants me to go to my cousin's wedding

chan: and woojin's out of town

changbin: no

jisung: hard pass

chan: YOU GUYS ALREADY SAID THAT

jisung: i know but i just want to reject you twice

changbin: ^

felix: did someone say twice

chan: does anyone want to be my +1

seungmin: don't bring math in this sacred place

minho: this place stopped being sacred the second you joined

chan: so no one?

jeongin: sorry

jeongin: cant

jeongin: test

jeongin: see ya

seungmin: what's in it for me if i go

chan: free food?

minho: i'm in

seungmin: i'm in

chan: i can only bring one

minho: seungmin and i can go. i'll disguise as you lmao

chan: you're no longer invited

minho: i cordially invite you to suck my dick

chan: why are you the way that you are

chan: NEVERMIND

chan: i don't want to accidentally open pandora's box again

minho: well it all started when i was born

seungmin: oh boy

 

 

 

**— # Minho'sFurryTroupe —**

chan: can we discuss secret santa, since last year was a disaster

woojin: rule out breast pump as an appropriate gift

seungmin: why are you so ungrateful

minho: do you know how embarrassing it was for us to ask around the mall for those?

woojin: no one told you to do that

seungmin: no one told you to act like a little bitch yet here you are

changbin: its christmas guys can we please all be friends

woojin: NO BREAST PUMPS

felix: that is such a specific rule

jeongin: just do secret santa without those two and you'll be good

woojin: that's not a bad idea

seungmin: says the guy who got me a gallon of peanuts when he knows i'm allergic??

jeongin: your reaction was hilarious though

seungmin: NO PEANUTS

felix: what if i want peanuts

jisung: what if i want a breast pump

minho: huh

minho: now that's interesting

jisung: i said what if

minho: mhm

hyunjin: christmas hasnt happened but all of you already ruined it

  


 

**— farquaad starsquad —**

felix: why wont he ask me out

felix: i don't get it

felix: im also an edible bachelor

hyunjin: excuse me?

minho: what did you just say

minho: did you say edible

felix: yeah

felix: whats wrong

minho: read that again and come back to us

hyunjin: every second i spend with you i lose one brain cell

minho: so that puts you down to zero huh

hyunjin: say that to the edible bachelor over there

  


 

**— # Minho'sFurryTroupe —**

hyunjin: look at my scab

hyunjin: [ _attachment sent_ ]

jeongin: ohmygod its like braille

felix: you guys are so gross

minho: please don't entertain their bullshit it's too early

jisung: im disgusted and repulsed and i cant look away

seungmin: what the fuck is wrong with this room

  


 

**— private message: jisung & minho  —**

minho: telling you i have an alexa was the worst mistake of my life

minho: STOP SENDING ME SHIT IM TRYING TO SLEEP

jisung: your actions have consequences

jisung: i'm just trying to teach you a life lesson

minho: if i hear alexa say "jisung says hey bighead" i'm gonna chuck her at you the next time i see you

jisung: you wont

minho: you should know by now that i am fueled by spite

_[ alexa, in the background: jisung says oh no ]_

jisung: i aint afraid of you

minho: alexa says otherwise

_[ alexa, in the background: goodnight bighead ]_

  


 

**— thweewacha (3RACHA) —**

changbin: question

chan: tell me what you think about me

changbin: do you REALLY want to know

chan: ………………..no

changbin: i feel like felix is getting a bit antsy about me asking him out, but i kinda want it to be memorable and im drawing a BLANK on what to do.

changbin: u guys got any ideas?

jisung: don't

chan: smart

jisung: he'll never see that one coming

changbin: i hate you

jisung: get a staph infection. die. leave him all alone

chan: that'll show him

changbin: HE'S YOUR FRIEND TOO YOU KNOW

  
  


 

**— private message: chan & woojin  —**

chan: i stared at a gif of the guy peeing in another dudes pocket so long i started growling and wanting to fight

woojin: what does that mean

woojin: and do i even want to know

chan: I COUDL FEEL MY BEASTILE INSTINCTS FLARINGUP I NEEDE IT TO STOP OR FIGHT i just kept looking,, and he kept peeing pee pee peeing an d pee i was filled with rage as his pockets lined with urine the call for battle

woojin: this makes me wish noah never built the ark

chan: CALLING BACK UP WE'RE UNDER ATTACK BY POCKET URINE MAN

  


chan: i'm sorry for last night. that wasn't me

chan: it was drunk chan.

woojin: you sure it wasn't the spirit of pocket urine man?

chan: i want to die

  


 

**— private message: jisung & hyunjin  —**

jisung: heard you were sick

jisung: please dont die i have a very limited amount of friends

hyunjin: bold of you to assume we're friends

jisung: die then

  


 

**— private message: hyunjin & jeongin  —**

hyunjin: why does boss baby have a bad hairline

jeongin: same thing could be said about you but you dont see me peeping

  


 

**— private message: minho & seungmin —**

minho: i bet you'd look cute grasping at the sheets of my bed

seungmin: im not making your bed

minho: goddamnit

seungmin: do you see me as a fool

seungmin: dont answer that

minho: yes

minho: but also

minho: it's a pull-out couch

seungmin: how does that argument help your situation

minho: it doesn't

minho: i just wanted mine to be the last words

  


 

**— # Minho'sFurryTroupe —**

seungmin: i screwed up big time

minho: given your daily life experience, you're gonna have to be more specific

seungmin: fuck you

minho: love you too babe

changbin: did someone say screwed up

seungmin: i know you're a screw up but i didnt mean you

minho: ouch burn

changbin: i literally Breathed

seungmin: then stop

minho: DAMN

 

 

**— owo whats deez nuts *airhorn* —**

**— hyunjin, chan, jisung, woojin, minho has entered the voice channel —**

hyunjin: am i gonna die if i jump over this?

chan: no

_[ hyunjin jumps over the railing, dies ]_

chan: ...yes

hyunjin: thanks hyung.

minho: why would you lie to him

chan: my bad. sorry. i really thought he'd survive.

woojin: ok new round we're gonna win this time

minho: OH OH NO I JUMPED OVER A RAILING BY ACCIDENT

woojin: oh my god

jisung: OOOPS IVE DONE IT TOO

hyunjin: guys..

minho: it's the exact same spot too!

jisung: i keep thinking the drop wouldn't be bad

minho: i once did it, ran all the way back up, and jumped again by accident

jisung: the death railing

minho: railing - 1, us - 0

chan: guys don't do that. didn't hyunjin already teach you not to do that.

minho: well i didn't die like hyunjin, is the difference there

woojin: just throw. throw the game. i hate all of you.

 

 

 

woojin: we're all just corpses who hasnt begun to decay

minho: can someone please pick woojin hyung up so he'd shut up

woojin: i feel as though i'm on a boat, rowing on dry concrete.. getting nowhere.. but my determination to move forward, in hopes of someday moving, will be—

chan: the enemy got to him first, sorry.

hyunjin: thank god

 

 

jisung: i keep thinking the mannequins are enemies

minho: shoot them for good measure

hyunjin: or don't. you'll give our position away

jisung: i'm gonna do it

minho: do it

hyunjin: please don't

 

 

minho: GET HIM HYUNJIN

hyunjin: i'm reloading, just wait!

jisung: YOU GOT HIM! there's one left and he's on the floor.

minho: go go go go go go get him! GET HIM!

hyunjin: HANG ON

chan: he's down, just shoot him!

_[ hyunjin, gets shot ]_

chan: i lied. he's not

woojin: stop spreading bad information and losing us the game!

 

 

minho: whoever that is on the stairs, look up

woojin: that's me, what's up

_[ minho, roped upside-down outside the window ]_

minho: oh you know, just hanging around

_[ woojin, headshots him ]_

minho: WHAT THE FUCK

hyunjin: i don't know what just happened but i feel like that was well deserved

 

woojin: how is chan and jisung the only ones alive

jisung: HYUNG WATCH OUT

minho: cause we're all idiots

woojin: chan got shot in the head earlier cause he couldn't tab out of the menu

jisung: HE'S RIGHT THERE

minho: i can't believe we have to watch them lose now

hyunjin: i believe in them

chan: WHAT? WHERE?

jisung: THE SIDE CEILING

minho: you mean the wall???

jisung: THE WALL

hyunjin: nevermind

woojin: and he's dead


End file.
